Thursday, 11 June 2009

New Element in Periodic Table

Scientists have announced a new element is to be added to the Periodic Table.

High-power reactions and the rapid spinning of the previously most powerful element, Blairium, has produced a dull, heavyweight element: GordonBrownium.

Although extremely unstable, scientists have isolated GordonBrownium in a bubble of hot-air. By carefully balancing the forces around it, they can prevent its complete disintegration even as its power ebbs away.

Within the next year, physicists hope observe GordonBrownium colliding with Cameronium, a lightweight shiny element. The outcome of this impact is uncertain as the properties of Cameronium are hard to pin down - appearing green or blue depending on the observer.

Wednesday, 10 June 2009

Millionth English word 'looming'

the millionth English word
Anglophone lexicographers around the world have reacted with disbelief at claims that the English language is soon to coin its millionth word.

GLM, a US Internet traffic monitoring company announced: "the millionth English word is looming."

"This is nonsense," scoffed a representative of the Oxbridge English Dictionary (OED), "the word 'looming' has been in use since the 16th Century and remains popular to this day in newspaper headlines such as: Poll Defeat Looming for Gordon Brown."

GLM clarified their announcement: "we don't literally mean the 1,000,000th word will be 'looming', what we meant was that it is imminent."

"No, no, no," said a leading dictioneer, "the word 'imminent' isn't new at all, it's used every day in phrases like: Election Imminent as Brown Blunders Again."

GLM later explained, "these fusty old dictionary writers are deliberately misinterpreting our claim, we think that the millionth word was misunderstood."

"Misunderstood?" screamed a spokesperson from the English Lexicon Society, "that's been in the language for hundreds of years, journalists use it all the time e.g. Brown Misunderstood Voter Anger But Will Hang On Just In Case They Change Their Minds Anyway."

Monday, 8 June 2009

1934 Euro Election Results

Europe, yesterday

As results come in for elections to the European League of Nations parliament, it's clear that the left has taken a battering at the hands of the right-wing parties.

Among far-right parties to do well were Benito Mussolini's Blackshirt National Party (BNP), Adolf Hitler's United Kraut Independence Party (UKIP) and Oswald Mosley's UK National Independence Party.

In Russian, Joseph Stalin managed to hold the Communist Party's share of seats but failed to improve on its previous share of the vote (99.9%); however, despite the world-wide recession, socialist parties have done badly whether in opposition or government.

In particular, Britain's beleaguered Scottish prime minster, Ramsay McDonald, is seen as a lame duck. Struggling to respond to the economic slump with increasingly incoherent policies, his defeat at the hands of Stanley Baldwin's conservatives in the forthcoming UK general election is seen as a certainty.

Saturday, 6 June 2009

Parties Propose Constitutional Reform

In the wake of the MPs' Expenses scandal, the major political parties are vying with each other to propose far-reaching constitutional reforms.

Recall of MPs

"When stopped in the street by pollsters or journalists and asked about the misdeeds of their representatives, member of the public are frustrated by their inability to recall their MPs," said a spokesman for Labour, "we propose to address this by issuing photos to each household in every constituency entitled 'This is your MP' - we feel sure that voters will start to recall them with ease."

Reduce the Power of the PM

"Far too much power is concentrated in the hands of the Prime Minster," declared a representative of the Tory party," we propose to pass responsibility for a number of as yet unspecified major decisions from the PM to committees of MPs. This will boost the power of Parliament to hold the executive to account. The fact that each committee will be chaired by members of the PM's own party is neither here nor there."

Elected House of Lords

"The domination of the current House of Lords by political appointees is increasingly seen as unacceptable," declared a Lib Dem commentator, "Consensus is being reached that it should be replaced with a fully elected senate, ensuring that its members will be as independent of political patronage as their existing elected colleagues in the House of Commons.

Fixed Term Parliaments

"It is, of course, absurd that the date of a general election is decided by the Prime Minster so long as it is within 5 years of the previous one," said a Lib Dem MP, "we propose to introduce fixed-term parliaments of 5 years with the PM only being able to call an election before that time if they think it is really really important to do so."

Local Democracy

"Devolution of power is an important new strand in political thinking," asserted a Tory spokesman, "our proposals for local referendums on the colour of council wheelie bins and directly elected lollipop ladies are the way forward."

Electoral Reform

"While electoral reform hasn't been a big issue since 1997," said a Labour MP, "support for First Past the Post is likely to ebb somewhat and it is quite possible that electoral reform will shoot to the top of our agenda - probably just after we get trounced by the Tories in the next general election."

Wednesday, 15 April 2009

Home births 'as safe as hospital'

as safe as hospital...

Home birth advocates were shocked today at a report claiming home births were "as safe as hospital".

“We are very sceptical about this report,” said a spokesmidwife for the Royal College of Midwives, “surely having a baby at home can’t be that dangerous.”

After researching over half a million cases, the authoritative report concluded that giving birth at home was as safe as doing so in the superbug-infested wards of a general hospital.

The Department of Health welcomed the conclusion, “despite inexperienced nurses delivering overdoses, patients languishing in corridors on hospital trolleys and surgeons lopping out healthy organs – going to hospital is still as safe as staying at home.”

Thursday, 9 April 2009

Tories call for smaller UK banks

In a speech yesterday, Shadow Chancellor George Osborne condemned large financial institutions as encouraging risk because they are 'too big to fail'.

He proposed that the UK should have smaller banks as these would be safer. The Government immediately denounced the proposal.

"This just shows how out of touch the Tories are," declared Chancellor of the Exchequer, Alistair Darling, "doesn't George Osborne realise that the banks are all several billion pounds smaller than they were and this hasn't made any of them safer!"

Friday, 11 July 2008

David Davis wins back seat

New Labour driving off a cliff
In today's news, a by-election has taken place, apparently, and David Davis, former shadow home secretary, has won a back seat in the Conservative Party.

The back-seat position is a traditional role in the Tory party, previously occupied by Lady Thatcher.

From the back seat, he'll be able to shout instructions to the driver, David Cameron, such as "Turn right!", "Tax cuts!" and "I should be Conservative Party leader!"