NewsElephant

New Element in Periodic Table

2009-06-11T12:48:00.005Z

Scientists have announced a new element is to be added to the Periodic Table.

High-power reactions and the rapid spinning of the previously most powerful element, Blairium, has produced a dull, heavyweight element: GordonBrownium.

Although extremely unstable, scientists have isolated GordonBrownium in a bubble of hot-air. By carefully balancing the forces around it, they can prevent its complete disintegration even as its power ebbs away.

Within the next year, physicists hope observe GordonBrownium colliding with Cameronium, a lightweight shiny element. The outcome of this impact is uncertain as the properties of Cameronium are hard to pin down - appearing green or blue depending on the observer.

Millionth English word 'looming'

2009-06-10T09:56:00.005Z

Anglophone lexicographers around the world have reacted with disbelief at claims that the English language is soon to coin its millionth word.

GLM, a US Internet traffic monitoring company announced: "the millionth English word is looming."

"This is nonsense," scoffed a representative of the Oxbridge English Dictionary (OED), "the word 'looming' has been in use since the 16th Century and remains popular to this day in newspaper headlines such as: Poll Defeat Looming for Gordon Brown."

GLM clarified their announcement: "we don't literally mean the 1,000,000th word will be 'looming', what we meant was that it is imminent."

"No, no, no," said a leading dictioneer, "the word 'imminent' isn't new at all, it's used every day in phrases like: Election Imminent as Brown Blunders Again."

GLM later explained, "these fusty old dictionary writers are deliberately misinterpreting our claim, we think that the millionth word was misunderstood."

"Misunderstood?" screamed a spokesperson from the English Lexicon Society, "that's been in the language for hundreds of years, journalists use it all the time e.g. Brown Misunderstood Voter Anger But Will Hang On Just In Case They Change Their Minds Anyway."

1934 Euro Election Results

2009-06-08T10:50:00.008Z

As results come in for elections to the European League of Nations parliament, it's clear that the left has taken a battering at the hands of the right-wing parties.

Among far-right parties to do well were Benito Mussolini's Blackshirt National Party (BNP), Adolf Hitler's United Kraut Independence Party (UKIP) and Oswald Mosley's UK National Independence Party.

In Russian, Joseph Stalin managed to hold the Communist Party's share of seats but failed to improve on its previous share of the vote (99.9%); however, despite the world-wide recession, socialist parties have done badly whether in opposition or government.

In particular, Britain's beleaguered Scottish prime minster, Ramsay McDonald, is seen as a lame duck. Struggling to respond to the economic slump with increasingly incoherent policies, his defeat at the hands of Stanley Baldwin's conservatives in the forthcoming UK general election is seen as a certainty.

Parties Propose Constitutional Reform

2009-06-06T12:07:00.002Z

In the wake of the MPs' Expenses scandal, the major political parties are vying with each other to propose far-reaching constitutional reforms.

Recall of MPs

"When stopped in the street by pollsters or journalists and asked about the misdeeds of their representatives, member of the public are frustrated by their inability to recall their MPs," said a spokesman for Labour, "we propose to address this by issuing photos to each household in every constituency entitled 'This is your MP' - we feel sure that voters will start to recall them with ease."

Reduce the Power of the PM

"Far too much power is concentrated in the hands of the Prime Minster," declared a representative of the Tory party," we propose to pass responsibility for a number of as yet unspecified major decisions from the PM to committees of MPs. This will boost the power of Parliament to hold the executive to account. The fact that each committee will be chaired by members of the PM's own party is neither here nor there."

Elected House of Lords

"The domination of the current House of Lords by political appointees is increasingly seen as unacceptable," declared a Lib Dem commentator, "Consensus is being reached that it should be replaced with a fully elected senate, ensuring that its members will be as independent of political patronage as their existing elected colleagues in the House of Commons.

Fixed Term Parliaments

"It is, of course, absurd that the date of a general election is decided by the Prime Minster so long as it is within 5 years of the previous one," said a Lib Dem MP, "we propose to introduce fixed-term parliaments of 5 years with the PM only being able to call an election before that time if they think it is really really important to do so."

Local Democracy

"Devolution of power is an important new strand in political thinking," asserted a Tory spokesman, "our proposals for local referendums on the colour of council wheelie bins and directly elected lollipop ladies are the way forward."

Electoral Reform

"While electoral reform hasn't been a big issue since 1997," said a Labour MP, "support for First Past the Post is likely to ebb somewhat and it is quite possible that electoral reform will shoot to the top of our agenda - probably just after we get trounced by the Tories in the next general election."

Home births 'as safe as hospital'

2009-04-15T12:03:00.005Z

Home birth advocates were shocked today at a report claiming home births were "as safe as hospital".

“We are very sceptical about this report,” said a spokesmidwife for the Royal College of Midwives, “surely having a baby at home can’t be that dangerous.”

After researching over half a million cases, the authoritative report concluded that giving birth at home was as safe as doing so in the superbug-infested wards of a general hospital.

The Department of Health welcomed the conclusion, “despite inexperienced nurses delivering overdoses, patients languishing in corridors on hospital trolleys and surgeons lopping out healthy organs – going to hospital is still as safe as staying at home.”

Tories call for smaller UK banks

2009-04-09T17:23:00.003Z

In a speech yesterday, Shadow Chancellor George Osborne condemned large financial institutions as encouraging risk because they are 'too big to fail'.

He proposed that the UK should have smaller banks as these would be safer. The Government immediately denounced the proposal.

"This just shows how out of touch the Tories are," declared Chancellor of the Exchequer, Alistair Darling, "doesn't George Osborne realise that the banks are all several billion pounds smaller than they were and this hasn't made any of them safer!"

David Davis wins back seat

2008-07-11T06:09:00.006Z

In today's news, a by-election has taken place, apparently, and David Davis, former shadow home secretary, has won a back seat in the Conservative Party.

The back-seat position is a traditional role in the Tory party, previously occupied by Lady Thatcher.

From the back seat, he'll be able to shout instructions to the driver, David Cameron, such as "Turn right!", "Tax cuts!" and "I should be Conservative Party leader!"

In the Company of Cheerful Politicians

2008-06-19T07:13:00.002Z

[You will not get this unless you have read the No.1 Ladies' Detective Agency by Alexander McCall Smith]

Mma Cameron was waiting patiently in the little white van as a herd of impala scurried across Birdcage Walk and into St James' Park. As the sun reflected off the backs of crocodiles in the lake, Mma Cameron reflected on the need to start taking climate change a lot more seriously.

A great white stork was waddling around in front of the No. 1 Conservative Ladies’ Election Agency, but Mma Cameron was again happy to wait for it to move out of the way before parking the van under the acacia tree. "It is so often the case in life that it is better not hurry if you know where you are going and how to get there," mused Mma Cameron

Mma Osborne looked up when Mma Cameron entered the office, "Would you like a cup of Bush tea, Mma? I'm afraid we'll have to wait for the kettle to boil."

Mma Cameron nodded, "We have become very good at waiting, Mma"

"Yes," replied Mma Osborne, "we successfully waited for Mr A. C. L. Blair to go and for Mr J. G. Brown to become unpopular…"

"…and for our great victory in the local elections and Mr A. B. de P. Johnson to become Mayor of London," added Mma Cameron.

"So what are we waiting for next?" asked Mma Osborne.

"Oh, that accident prone Mr J. G. Brown is bound to hit trouble again soon," said Mma Cameron, "he's always chopping and changing; unlike us, he doesn't take a principled and consistent position on policies."

"Indeed, Mma, like our commitment to make significant reductions in tax and cut public spending..." suggested Mma Osborne.

Mma Cameron quickly cut in, "No, no, we advocate improving public services by cutting waste and implementing efficiencies."

"Oh, I thought that was Mr J. G. Brown's policy," puzzled Mma Osborne, "I suppose the difference is that he's always pandering to a disunited party whereas you force any rebels to resign - like Mr D. M. Davis."

Eyes rolling, Mma Cameron patiently explained, "Mr D. M. Davis resigned in a principled stand against the Government's 42-day detention plan for terror suspects and the erosion of human rights."

"But I thought we were against human rights for terrorists - isn't that why we intend to repeal the Human Rights Act?" said Mma Osborne looking confused again, "Anyway, our commitment to cut taxes on petrol will play well with the public, won't it? Everyone knows this climate change stuff is just a cover story for stealth taxes!"

"No, no, we're committed to cutting the UK's carbon emissions as part of our green agenda," corrected Mma Cameron.

"Isn't that Mr J. G. Brown's policy?" asked Mma Osborne.

There was silence as they both thought for a moment.

"So what is our main policy difference compared to Mr J. G. Brown?" queried Mma Osborne.

Mma Cameron smiled, "The key difference is that Mr J. G. Brown thinks he should be in charge - and we don't!"

They both laughed out loud. Mma Cameron glanced over to Mma Osborne, “Should we have another cup of Bush tea?”

Anti-Cluedo

2008-05-17T06:41:00.001Z

Board Game to get 21st Century Revamp

Commentators were aghast this week, as plans were revealed for an updated version of Cluedo. The board game industry's journal, Dice & Counters Monthly, announced that, while the basic murder premise remained the same, the whodunit concept would be turned on its head.

In Anti-Cluedo, we all know who is responsible - Gordon Brown, obviously - the object is to find out who the victim is and how they were killed.

Out go Professor Plum, Colonel Mustard, the billiard room, the lead piping and all the other familiar aspects of the game. In come characters, places and objects recognisable from the modern world.

Who was the victim?
…the goth kicked and stamped to death by feral youths in the park?
…the polish migrant worker stabbed by her boyfriend in the street?
…the father of four beaten and punched by drunken chavs outside his house?
…the asylum seeker knifed by racists as he left the library?
…the 10-year old killed by a speeding SUV on the way to school?
…the UK economy battered by inflation and loan defaults in the credit crunch?

Spirit Guides to Strike

2008-05-04T08:54:00.002Z

Psychics predict chaos will follow new law on mediums

Amon-Ptah, an ancient Egyptian priest, has condemned plans to extend consumer protection legislation to cover fortune-tellers and faith healers.

Speaking via medium, Lesley Mode, he said, “This will provoke strike action by spirit guides in the astral plane. Contact with the dead and visions of the future will be withdrawn. Powers to heal by touch or incantation will not be supported.”

Cloud Rain, a 10,000 year old Native American shaman speaking through psychic Sybil Bonkers, predicted chaos: “How will the bereaved perpetuate their grief without receiving ambiguous and anodyne advice in séances? How can people plan ahead, without knowing in which month they will be lucky in love? How will the incurably sick be miraculously cured just prior to dying?”

Essex-based clairvoyant, Clare Voint, foresaw trouble: “Something will happen, possibly involving people. I see a building near water. A man with a medical condition affecting his upper body may die. That’s £200, please.”

A government spokesman sought to quell fears that the bemused and reality-challenged might be targeted by people trying to make a load of cash through loopholes in the law. “That’s precisely what we’re trying to stop,” he said.

Brown Dot

2008-04-16T18:00:00.001Z

In a country that was once seen as an economic success, ordinary people are now struggling to pay for basics such as food, fuel and housing against a background of rampant inflation and economic meltdown. Its leader continues to hang on to power, surrounded by a small coterie of henchmen loyal to a party that has ruled unopposed for many years.

The President of Zimbabwe has described the situation in Britain as appalling. His calls for neighbouring countries to put pressure on Brown went unheeded when France's President Sarkozy visited London but refused to criticise the PM.

President Mugabe, condemning Prime Minister Gordon Brown's rejection of a poll showing 68% of Britons no longer have confidence in him, declared:

"The democratic rights of the British people have got to be respected. I have called many general elections, the number of general elections that Mr Brown has called is zero, nothing, nada, zip, dot."

[Also shown on THE tART website]

Labour’s ICBM Poll Woe

2008-04-15T18:46:00.002Z

Brown is most-reviled PM since Blair

As the Tories celebrate another opinion poll showing a commanding lead over Labour, public confidence in Gordon Brown plummets across all key issues.

How would you describe the UK‘s economic outlook?
8% Growth may slow a tad
9% 1930s-Style Depression
83% A new dark age of barter and subsistence farming

Who is responsible for the recession that hasn’t actually happened yet?
11% Ex-Chancellor of the Exchequer, Gordon Brown
1% Governor of the Bank of England, Mervyn King
88% Prime Minister, Gordon Brown

How do you regard green taxes?
5% Too little, too late. Environmental catastrophe is upon us!
1% Sensible moves to reduce carbon emissions
94% A scam by Gordon Brown to fleece the hard-pressed motorist

Why are UK businesses employing immigrant workers?
7% Foreign workers have vital skills and are hard-working
5% UK workers are feckless and workshy
88% Gordon Brown is kowtowing to unelected EU bureaucrats

How would you describe law and order in the UK?
4% Crime is down, but violence and guns remain a problem
4% Criminals go unpunished while their victims suffer
92% Society has collapsed into a Bladerunner-style distopia

Who is most to blame for problems in Zimbabwe?
19% Robert Mugabe
2% Thabo Mbeki
79% Gordon Brown

Who caused the death of Princess Diana?
4% Her drunken, speeding driver
1% The Duke of Edinburgh and MI6
95% Gordon Brown

[Also shown on THE tART website]

Mayoral Comedy Condemned

2008-04-03T17:00:00.002Z

Critics pan London Mayor sitcom

TV bosses are in the firing line over the latest prime-time sitcom, "Citizen Boris". The controversial show revolves around the farcical antics of various candidates in the London Mayoral Election.

The Daily Nail rubbished the programme, declaring that “the portrayal of the Conservative candidate as an old-Etonian buffoon is just a sad rehash of 1960s satirical stereotypes.”

The Labour candidate is depicted as a crypto-socialist, forever concocting new taxes targeted at the rich. The Undependent asked: “have the writers been marooned on a desert island? This kind of early 80s Trotskyite would never get passed New Labour’s selection process.”

Even the Daily Repress was shocked at the representation of the Lib Dem candidate as a gay man: “This is the 21st Century, we left the caricature of the limp-wristed Liberal politician back in the 1970s.”

[Also shown on THE tART website]

Hercules in New Labour

2008-04-03T16:54:00.002Z

Greek hero cleans Augean health service.

The Telegraphos - a medium for spreading news amongst ancient people - has been unearthed by archaeologists at a dig in Knossos. It was found amongst a horde of ancient Greek tablets believed to have been used in the Cretan health service over 3000 years ago.

Astonished scholars deciphering its ‘Linear B’ script have discovered fascinating descriptions of the ancient Greek world, including a tragic sequel to the Twelve Labours of Hercules.

The mythological Greek hero was ordered by the fearsome Gorgon Brown to clean all the Augean hospitals in a single day. Alas, the deep clean strategy failed and Hercules' aged father Zeus died after contracting MRSA.

Other stories in the deciphered text portray a turbulent world we can only dimly understand: "Economy Slumps as Olive Oil Price Peaks"; "War on Troy Claims 4000th Victim"; "Priests Warn of Human-Animal Hybrids: Bull-Headed Men and Snake-Haired Women"; and "Sparta Condemns Foreign Critics amid Calls for Olympic Boycott".

[Also on THE tART website]

US Troops Capture Bin Laden with Secret Video Equipment

2008-03-25T19:48:00.000Z

Major breakthrough in War On Terror as Osama is betrayed.

The Pentagon was celebrating a significant operational success last night, after announcing that disgruntled Afghan tribesmen had led US forces to Osama’s hidden recording studio.

The Al Qaeda leader was preparing a video to be released on Easter Sunday condemning the Crusader states, Israel and critics of the Archbishop of Canterbury.

Special agents reached the hideout in time to seize valuable Al Qaeda materials including a bin laden with secret video equipment. Unfortunately, using a comedy ginger wig, Osama had earlier escaped disguised as a member of the British Royal Family.

The CIA confirmed that the equipment in the bin contained hilarious outtakes showing the terrorist leader fumbling with props, fluffing his lines and giggling. In a serious blow to Osama’s prestige, the blunders will collated by Dennis Norden and released as “It'll Be Alright on the Night 9/11”.

Any Budget Will Do

2008-03-25T19:46:00.002Z

[As Alistair Darling completed his first Budget speech in the House of Commons, Gordon Brown, dressed in a multi-coloured robe, unexpectedly burst into song.]

I cross my fingers, in times uncertain,
Will it go for a Burton,
the economy we knew?
In the USA, mortgages foreclosing
Are economic woes exposing
What’s it gonna do?

I‘d hoped the cloud, had a golden lining
Of interest rates declining,
Promoting growth anew
But across the world, inflation’s rising
With global firms downsizing
What’s it gonna do?

A crash of stocks!
A credit crunch!
My rosy outlook’s out to lunch

Consumer spending fades to nothing
The budget’s left adrift

May I return to the arms of prudence
With fiscal rule improvements,
And balanced budgets too
Alistair and I, are hoping growth will freshen
Will we see recession?
What’s it gonna do?

Bring back my reputation,
For prudence and for growth
Bring back low levels of inflation,
And unbroken years of growth!

Life on Mars

2008-03-14T08:21:00.001Z

Remake of Four Feathers

2008-03-14T08:20:00.001Z

Rupert Grint (Ron Weasley in the Harry Potter films), will be the lead role in a remake of “The Four Feathers”.

Setting the classic adventure story in the present day, the plot revolves around Harry Windsor, an officer in the British army. After he controversially escapes deployment in Iraq, the British newspapers send him four feathers - the symbol of cowardice.

Harry sets out to prove his bravery by secretly going to Afghanistan. In a series of exciting TV interviews, he rescues the media from what would otherwise be a fairly boring day for news and returns home a hero.

Cleggsy Malone

2008-03-14T08:17:00.001Z

In Prime Minister’s Question Time, Tory Leader, ‘Dandy Dave’, called the PM, ‘Fat Gord’, a “no-good dirty rat”. The PM replied with a volley of custard pies; whereupon the shadow cabinet discharged splurge-guns into the Labour ranks and cream-splattered MPs set about each other.

Suddenly, everyone stopped as the sound of an unexpected piano rang out and the Liberal Democrat Leader, Cleggsy Malone, started to sing…

We could have done anything
We wanted to do
Like run the country quite well
Our efforts so far have oft come to naught
Is it the pointless battles we have fought?

[MPs on all sides begin swaying and singing along]

We could have done anything
We wanted to do
Like something worthy of praise
We’ve been derided
Our expenses misguided
Let’s put aside our jaundiced ways

We could have done anything
We wanted to do
Without these soundbites and spin
Let’s debate on a basis of facts
And not the petty points of partisan attacks
We could be the best there’s ever been

We could have done anything
We wanted to do
Make co-operation our style
We’d get together
So we’d decide whether
We could do it right once in a while

[Fighting resumes as Cleggsy Malone is pelted with custard pies from his own party]

England Rocks

2008-03-14T08:14:00.001Z

Swathes of England were left devastated by the largest earthquake to hit the country in nearly 25 years. Chimney stacks tumbled and ornaments toppled from shelves as the 5.2 Richter scale quake shook the very foundations of the nation.

As English people are unused to seismic activity, many of them had no idea what was happening.

Lech Jankowski, a construction worker in Leeds, said: “It felt like the house was falling down. Some of the fifteen other workers in the house thought it was a terrorist bomb.”

Stanislaw Kowalczyk, a farm worker in Lincolnshire, said: “I was terrified and so were the twenty other labourers sharing our flat. We thought a plane had crashed.”

As the Government appealed for calm, opposition politicians demanded to know why so many houses had been built in dangerous earthquake zones.

“Is this the end for UK housing market?” asked the Daily Nail. “Brown Unprepared for Earthquake!” screamed the Daily Repress. The Undependent’s 12-page special “Climate Change Tremor” called for Britain to face up to the risks of Japanese-style earthquakes and tsunamis.

The Archbishop of Canterbury issued a statement saying: “it is unavoidable that some elements of Japanese building regulations will be introduced in Britain.”

National Audit Office Condemns Speaker Expenses

2008-03-14T08:13:00.000Z

The NAO has completed an investigation into speaker-related costs and expenses in the House of Commons. The Value for Money audit severely criticises the current system as not fit for purpose. An independent double-blind test has shown that the current speaker is of poor quality and the sounds emanating from it are often cacophonic or inaudible.

The report suggests that Parliament’s decision to spend £72,862 in 2005 for a second-hand speaker that had already been in use for four years was financially irresponsible. It also indicates that a review of maintenance costs had highlighted excessive and unaccountable expenses.

A number of MPs have sought to defend the current system, pointing out that the speaker was chosen by the whole House of Commons from a shortlist of 12 potential candidates.

However, the audit notes that MPs were perhaps more influenced by the name of the speaker and may have made their selection based on seeing it prominently displayed in the most popular party.

In its cost-benefit analysis, the NAO concludes that the high-maintenance Martin speaker is poor value for money when compared to the popular and euphonic Boothroyd or even the venerable but reliable Weatherill.

US Primaries: Texas & Ohio Results Full Analysis

2008-03-05T18:32:00.015Z

	McBain Now confirmed as Republican candidate With the nomination now in the bag, the big question for right-wingers is where McBain stands on the servative issue: is he pro or con?

	Borat O'Bama Still front runner for the Democrats The Kazakh-Irish senator has failed to maintain momentum in the crucial sunny-side-up breakfast demographic and lost out big in Ohio where over-easy voters swung away from him.

	Celery Hinton The come-back queen is still in the race The once favorite, now back from the dead, senator has had a roller-coaster ride in the primaries. Voters in the A-M surname bracket stayed with her in Texas, can she attract more of the N-Zs in the remaining contests?

UK Government Caves In Over Identity Cards

2008-02-26T21:27:00.001Z

In a major Government climbdown, Gordon Brown has agreed that ID cards will not be made compulsory.

From 2010, the Government will begin issuing Identity Cards; anyone who does not wish to be entered on the National Identity Register can simply apply to have their details placed on the ID Card Opt-Out List.

Participants in the opt-out scheme will be issued with a special card containing their personal and biometric details, when asked by Police to produce their ID card they can simply show the opt-out card which Police can then verify against the centrally administered Opt-Out database.

The Government has issued a National Identity guarantee regarding personal data, where they pledge not to allow people's ID card details to be downloaded onto laptops or CDs and subsequently lost. Of course, journalists, organised criminals and foreign governments will still be able to access the data by simply bribing or blackmailing civil servants in accordance with time-honoured Civil Service practice.

Anyone choosing not to participate in either the ID Card or the Opt-Out card systems can join the National Forehead Barcode scheme.

Storm in a Teacup

2008-02-26T20:31:00.001Z

Kerbia’s rebellious Samovar province has declared independence.

Kerbia has opposed the move. Kerbian nationalists celebrate the birth of their nation in the ancient Battle of Samovar; where Kerbia opposed the imposition of footstools and blanket boxes by the Ottoman Turks.

America and the EU have recognised the newly independent republic, on the condition that there are no moves to unite with the adjacent Duchy of Grand Fenwick.

Russia has dismissed it as a storm in a teacup. The Russian ambassador to Kerbia said that it was economic madness for all samovars to leave Kerbia for the EU. When asked “What’s a samovar earn?” he replied, “a large water heater for making tea.”

Polish Workers Leaving UK

2008-02-26T20:29:00.001Z

Britain’s newspaper industry has been plunged into crisis as Government figures show that thousands of Polish workers are now leaving the UK.

The Press had been enjoying an industry-wide boom with headlines such as “Thousands of Poles taking British Jobs!”, “Entire Population of Warsaw Encamped in Shanty Towns Throughout the Home Counties!” and “Archbishop says it is unavoidable that some elements of Polish law will be introduced in Britain!”

A spokesman for the Daily Nail lamented “where will we get our rabid, scare-mongering stories now?”

The editor of the Daily Repress called for an end to restrictions on workers from Romania and Bulgaria, “the only hope for the newspapers now is an influx of racist stories about an influx of Romanian Gypsies and, on a lighter note, some lame, womble-based headlines about Great Uncle Bulgaria.”

Reports in the British Press of a surge in the numbers of French Polish workers were denied by French officials last night when they revealed that the figures referred to traditional French craftsman skilled in the shellacking of antique furniture.

Tabloid stories have also suggested that the thousands of Polish workers moving from the UK to Warsaw will cause mayhem as the Polish Government struggles to: put up Polish-language road signs; provide Polish-language emergency services; and cater for a surge in Polish-speaking schoolchildren.

Hymns Ancient and Modern

2008-02-26T20:28:00.002Z

The Church of England is at the centre of a new storm as the words to Jerusalem are changed in line with the modern media age.

Jerusalem

And were those words in modern time
Distorted by England's media circus?
And was the message misconstrued
As “England's lasses should wear burkas” ?

And did the journalists tabloid
Pour forth their verbal diarrhoea?
And were the newspapers so annoyed
About the Bishop and Sharia?

Bring me my pen of purple prose!
Bring me my headline puns so dire!
Bring me my ignorance exposed!
Don’t bring the facts, I won’t enquire!

I will make news sensational,
And I shall feed hysteria,
Till we have stoked the frenzied rage
Of England's vulgar tabloid media.

Lorry Drivers in Low Emission Zone Protest

2008-02-26T20:26:00.002Z

London's new Low Emission Zone charges have been condemned as yet another stealth tax hitting lorry drivers who already face the burden of congestion charges, petrol duty and the ever-increasing number of tyres on their vehicles.

A spokesman for the protest, Mr Tach O'Graph, said,

"The cost of driving a lorry from Romania to London is already prohibitive. What Ken Livingston doesn't understand is that many lorry drivers simply cannot drive around the outside of the LEZ. There's only so much oxygen in these air-tight container lorries, if we go the long way round all the illegal immigrants in the back will asphyxiate."

Northern Rockall

2008-02-21T18:14:00.002Z

Alistair Darling has announced plans to bring Rockall into public ownership.

The northern Rockall bank came perilously close to collapse, necessitating Government action to prop it up in case the whole sector was undermined.

The Chancellor said that leaving Rockall to weather current conditions in the North Atlantic was not a good option due to the Climate Crunch.

He proposes to keep Rockall at arm’s length by moving it to central London until sea levels fall back sufficiently to allow it to return to the North Atlantic sector. Mr Darling predicted that significant cuts in carbon emissions would soon lead to a more stable climate.

The Tories condemned the move saying, "The Treasury should have gone with the Pirate sector bid from the Long John Silver consortium which would have brought a million Spanish doubloons to Rockall."

Fairy Tale of New York Stock Exchange

2008-02-13T20:53:00.001Z

We are rogues
We are witty
Bright sparks of the City,
When the banks finish paying
They pay us some more.

On futures we’re betting,
But it’s losses we’re getting.
With fraud we can hide ‘em
Then hoodwink them all.

The boys of the New York Stock Exchange
Want the markets propping up
And the central banker’s response
Is an interest rate cut.

By “The Rogues”
Jerome Kerviel on accordion, Nick Leeson on tin whistle, John Rusnak on mandolin.

“The Rogues” take their name from the Investment Bankers’ motto róg mo thóin meaning “kiss my arse”. Their latest album “Rogue Traders” is causing a big buzz in the market.

Great Thatcher Award

2008-02-13T20:52:00.001Z

Leader of the Conservative party, David Cameron, has presented an award to former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher for her "enormous contribution to British life".

Mr Cameron, arriving late after being wrongly directed to the Cottage Roofers ‘Great Thatcher’ Award ceremony in an adjacent room, praised Baroness Thatcher as a "towering figure".

Lady Thatcher praised Gordon Brown for following the policies of easy credit, rampant house price inflation and recession that had made Britain great in the 1980s.

She went on to urge Mr Cameron to “get a proper majority like that nice Mr Blair”.

Minister Quits in Veil Row

2008-02-13T20:51:00.001Z

The Bishop of London has asked the Reverend Green, vicar of St Cluedo’s church, Balham, to resign after he refused to perform a marriage ceremony because the bride turned up wearing a veil. Reverend Green left the church without explaining his reasons, but said later that he felt there were identity issues. He noted that the bride was all fat and wide and that they had had to take the door off to get her inside.

A statement from the General Synod of the Church of England said: "Reverend Green is concerned about questions of identity when the full veil is worn in church; in this particular case the bride was so big that he felt that there may have been two people behind the veil, or possibly a horse."

"However, he agrees that he acted unwisely in absenting himself without giving reasons, and acknowledges that he should have sought the advice of his Bishop, and that there could have been a perfectly reasonable explanation for the size of the bride i.e. she was up the duff, as brides so often are."

The local MP has condemned the Bishop, saying: "People are fed up to the back teeth with continual concessions to small, awkward minority groups like the Church of England."

Bush Condemned in Nuclear Plant Row

2008-02-13T20:50:00.001Z

As international controversy over Iran’s nuclear ambitions mounts, the International Atomic Energy Authority has published an in-depth report on Iranian nuclear facilities and plants. The IAEA report has found no evidence that Iran might be trying to develop an atomic bomb; but it has highlighted a number of serious concerns regarding a plant at Iran’s key nuclear installation.

Mohamed ElBaradei, the head of the IAEA, commenting on an incident where a steam pipe had burst at the Bushehr nuclear power station, commended the Iranian authorities for ensuring that stringent safety procedures had been followed at all times; but he insisted that plants affected by a leak of radioactive material should be condemned.

After talks about the contaminated plant, President Ahmadinejad agreed that the bush in question should be uprooted and destroyed.

2008 US Presidential Election Analysis

2008-01-29T08:00:00.001Z

As the juggernaut of US democracy thunders along the interstate highway of time towards the toll plaza of election day, we take this opportunity to assess the key issues and central characters in the most important election in the free world.

Key Facts

Election Day. American presidential elections are always held on the first Tuesday after the first Monday in November which this year will fall on a Tuesday.

Electoral College. US voters do not directly elect their president. The founding fathers of the United States decided that ordinary Americans were too ignorant to know how to actually elect someone. Instead, each state sends a number of 'electors' to electoral college where they learn how to elect the president. This is why the presidential election takes so long.

Parties. There are two political parties in the US. One party is called "the Republicans" and the other is called "the Democrats". Apart from that there's no difference, so very similar to the UK really.

Primaries. Despite having middlemen to do the actual work of electing the president, the voters still need to have a rehearsal before the big day. So each party holds primary elections in each state. This allows voters to practice voting and candidates to practice being elected.

Candidates

Borat O'Bama (Democrat). Young and charismatic, Mr O'Bama has positioned himself as the new Kennedy, despite suggestions that he's not actually of Irish descent.

Hill Clinton (Democrat). A potentially divisive figure, Hill Clinton's main stance is to advocate a return to the 1990s policy of having a Clinton in the White House.

John Edwards (Democrat). Nominee for vice-president last time round, Edward Johns has struggled to extend his support beyond the pro-smiling wing of the Democrat Party.

Julie Rudiani (Republican). Law and order candidate and ex-Mare of New York City, Julie's strategy of not bothering to have a macho-sounding name may back-fire.

John McBain (Republican). Foreign policy wonk, war hero and everyone's favorite grandpa, McBain's exploits in the Spanish-American War of 1898 are famous.

Rom Mittney (Mammon). Fiscal conservative, successful businessman and organiser of the 2002 Winter Olympics, millionaire Mittney has suffered attacks from the religious right who are concerned that he's never divorced his wife.

Huck Mickabee (Republican). God-bothering, guitar-strumming, former Baptist minister, Mickabee, is strongly supported by social conservatives for his pledge to repeal the theory of evolution.

Christmas Book Review 2007

2007-12-17T16:03:00.000Z

"Nigel Express" (by Nigel Lawson)

Ex-Chancellor of the Exchequer, Nigel Lawson, and his style of economic management have earned a special place in our lives, with his eclectic mix of financial deregulation, de facto exchange-rate targeting and excessive fiscal laxity.

Now that the late 80s retro-chic is back with us, Nigel Lawson's favourite old recipes are popular again: spiralling inflation, house price collapse and consumer debt gone bad.

"I Can Make You Buy This Book" (by Paul McKenna)

Are you ready to buy this book? If you've ever wondered why it is that some people buy this book while others don't, it's not because they are more intelligent, work harder or have better luck - it's simply because they buy this book.

Over the past decade, Paul McKenna PhD has made a unique study of the mindset of people who buy his books. In this groundbreaking new book, he makes use of proven psychological techniques to get those people to buy his latest book.

"My Booky Wookiee" (by Russell Brand)

Russell Brand's scandalous biography of the famous Wookiee, Chewbacca, was always going to have a literary flavour. But nothing you've seen in the Star Wars films can prepare you for the impact of this beautifully written memoir.

From his troubled childhood on planet Kashyyyk and his addictions to drink, drugs and the giant wroshyr trees, to his giddy rise through the world of the rebel alliance, this is not simply a story of fame but also of a tall hairy biped.

Christmas Repeats

2007-12-17T08:02:00.000Z

In today's news, a study has shown that the number of repeats on British TV has increased by a quarter since last year.

"People are fed up with Christmas because of repeats," said the Liberal Democrats' spokesman for what's on telly, "that's why people simply don't bother with Christmas anymore and, er, just watch telly instead."

The Conservative spokesman for having a go at lefties in the BBC commented,
"Of course, there are some repeats from last Christmas that we enjoy to see come round again, such as Labour trailing the Tories in the opinion polls."

The BBC issued a press release questioning the methodology of the study:
"Some of the TV output counted as repeats in this report simply isn't repeated material at all, it is merely the same things happening again and again."

Top Ten Repeats this year:
- Endless violence in Iraq;
- Labour party funding scandal;
- Liberal Democrat leadership contest;
- a Conservative MP does or says something embarrassing;
- New England Manager required.

Low turn out for fuel price demos

2007-12-15T22:28:00.000Z

In the UK today, only a small number of disgruntled farmers and lorry drivers turned up at nationwide protests against the rising cost of fuel; the organisers of the protests issued a statement blaming the rising cost of fuel:

"It's madness that petrol prices are so high that our supporters simply can't afford the cost of traveling to blockade an out-of-the-way oil refinery. Why do drivers pay such high taxes?

When will the government shift this grossly unfair tax burden away from drivers and on to the non-driving part of the population: blind people, children, the very old and the very poor?"

UK teacher jailed over teddy row

2007-11-29T10:59:00.001Z

A Tennessee court today found a UK primary school teacher guilty of insulting the presidency of the United States of America after she allowed her primary school class to name a stuffed toy bear Teddy.

The teacher had allowed her pupils to pick a name for the stuffed toy bear; one of the boys, suggested naming it "Teddy" after himself. This caused national uproar as Theodore "Teddy" Roosevelt is the USA's most revered president; his memory is so sacred that his image has been carved into America's holy Mount Rushmore.

The teacher's actions were widely seen as a British imperialist plot against America's republican institutions.

Speaking of the incident, the Foreign Secretary David Milliband said,
"What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet".

Major Operational Problem

2007-11-21T15:29:00.000Z

The story so far:

Dour Scot, General Gordon Brownadder, a professional soldier in the British Army, has recently taken over command of the Western Front from General Sir Anthony Cecil Hogmanay Blair. Aided by his batman, the babbling Private Ballsrick, and his pencil-pushing staff officer, Captain Darling, his plans to win the Great War have run into some difficulty.

Staff HQ (phone rings)

Brownadder: Hello? Ah, Alistair, darling, what is it?

Darling: I think we’ve got a major operational problem.

Brownadder: Major Operational Problem? Never heard of him! What does he want?

Brownadder: (hand covering phone) Ballsrick, you’d better bring some tea in for this fellow.

Ballsrick: Rightio, sir

Darling: No sir, I mean that I’ve got some bad news for you.

Brownadder: Oh no, what is it now? Haven’t we had our share of crises: carrier-pigeon flu; trench-foot; trench-mouth; Passchendaele; and the endless poetry?

Darling: Unfortunately this is a bit of a cock-up. We’ve misplaced files with the details of 2 million soldiers.

Brownadder: Misplaced?

Darling: Yes, we think that a junior officer loaded up a shoe-box with all the information on those little index cards and sent it off to the National Audit Office by regular army bicycle, but it never got there.

Brownadder: How secure was it?

Darling: Oh, the usual security: it had a ribbon tied around it.

Brownadder: You realise that if those details get into the hands of the enemy they could hopelessly compromise our security!

Darling: Indeed, there’s enough information there for a German soldier to impersonate anyone in the army. They could infiltrate anywhere, from the loftiest generals to the lowliest privates.

Brownadder: Well, I don’t want any Germans infiltrating my privates! Right, we need to find these missing files and get this all cleared up before anyone finds out.

Darling: I’m afraid that it’s already been found out, sir. General Cameron is on his way to see you right now.

Brownadder: (slams the phone down) Ballsrick! Where are you?

Ballsrick: Sorry, sir, I was just getting the tea for Major Problem and Miss Placed.

Brownadder: Never mind about that now! That toffee-nosed, old Etonian General Cameron is on his way here. He’s always wanted my job and this’ll play right into his hands.

(phone rings)

Brownadder: Hello!

Darling: General Cameron is here to see you, sir.

Brownadder: Hmm.. (thinks for a moment)

Darling: General Brownadder? Are you there?

Brownadder: Darling, how do you know that it’s General Cameron?

Darling: (muffled talking) He says that he’s General David William Donald Cameron and he’s come direct from General Headquarters.

Brownadder: Well that’s what he would say isn’t it - if he was a German spy! Have him arrested and sent back to GHQ immediately for questioning about those missing files.

(muffled sounds of shouting)

Brownadder: Right Ballsrick, what we need to do is find those files and show that they never left here in the first place.

Ballsrick: How will we do that, sir?

Brownadder: (reaches under his desk) Oh look, Ballsrick, here’s an old shoe box. All you need to do is requisition 2 million index cards …and start writing.

The End

Opposition Rallies to Government’s Defence

2007-11-21T11:06:00.001Z

This week in Parliament, a man, claiming to be Alistair Darling, announced that computer discs with the bank details of 7 million families had gone missing. Gordon Brown, a man claiming to be the Prime Minister, said “obviously, the Government is very sorry.”

David Cameron, leader of the Conservative Party, said that he understood how difficult it is to run something as complicated as the HM Revenue & Customs and that the Government had his fullest sympathy. He added that if there was anything he could do to help locate the 15 million child benefit claims then they just had to ask.

Vince Cable, Liberal Democrat acting-Leader, asked if the Prime Minister had checked down the side of the sofa, as this was quite a common place to loose things - even the details of 25 million people.

The Prime Minister thanked both opposition parties for their goodwill and understanding. He said that the Government would launch a full inquiry into the matter when it had a bit of spare time.

Further support came from the Sun newspaper, which declared that this “could have happened to anyone”. The Daily Mail’s main headline read: “Unfortunate Mishap”; whilst the Times advised its readers to “check their bank accounts, if they happened to be popping into the bank or were on-line, but not to worry as it’s just one of those things.”

Youthanasia

2007-11-21T11:04:00.001Z

There was controversy this week, when officers from Northamptonshire Police were filmed handing out cigarettes to teenagers. A spokesman for the force explained that, after extensive consultations with the Brazilian Police, they had launched a new initiative called “Youthanasia”, whereby teen hoodlums would be targeted for extra-judicial killing by use of the cancerous sticks of death.

UK teens 'hepped up on goofball'!

2007-11-16T08:29:00.000Z

In today's news, we heard the results of the UK's Tellus2 on-line survey of 10-15 year old children.

15% of children aged between 12 and 15 said they had experimented with illegal drugs
Nearly half (48%) of 10 to 15-year-olds said they had consumed alcoholic drinks
One in six 14 and 15-year-olds admitted to getting drunk at least three times in the previous four weeks
Some 73% of respondents said they took part in sports or other activities such as cycling and running for at least 30 minutes on more than three days a week

This fascinating survey, conducted using the methodolgy of asking a bunch of kids to make up any answer they please, has caused a storm of debate in the UK.

The Shadow Children's Minister said:

"This one-off survey of dubious accuracy clearly proves that everything has got worse after 10 years of Labour Government. The British people are crying out for the return of the Tory party to power; and the good-old days of the 1980s when we had lager louts and dubious surveys into how many kids had watched video nasties."

At the Inquest into the death of Princess Diana today, there were calls for the inquiry to hear testimony from those children who had indicated in the Tellus2 survey that they had been witnesses to the crash.

UK 'doesn't care' about soldiers

2007-11-15T13:27:00.000Z

In today's news, Air Chief Marshall Sir Jock Strap has condemned the treatment of UK soldiers returning from active duty.

"Troops are returning to Blighty to be met by relative indifference from the general public; they are having small periods of rest and recuperation with their families, as well as short stints of army training and no victory parades or medals," he said.

"This is simply not how the civil-military covenant in Britain works!" he declared, "The UK traditionally doesn't care about soldiers."

"When I joined up [Waterloo, 1815] veterans of the Napoleonic Wars were expected to doss in the Royal parks and beg for alms like any other vagabond. Far from enjoying public indifference, they passed the Vagrancy Act to move them on."

"After the Great War, it was seen as an ex-soldier's duty to King and Country to drag their trench-footed legs along in endless victory parades, before shuffling into line at the back of the dole queue."

"Second World War veterans came back to enjoy rationing along with everyone else - without any namby-pamby bleeding-hearts writing sympathetic stories in the Press."

Soap!

2007-11-09T08:28:00.000Z

This is the story of two parties. The Labour Party and the Tory Party. This is the Labour leader, Gordon Brown, and this is the Tory leader, David Cameron, and this is Soap:

David and Gordon have been eyeing each other up in the House with barely concealed excitement. David still wants to know if Gordon stole his clothes, but Gordon says he can prove he didn't. David says that a piece of paper with "1st Oct - Stole David's clothes" crossed out and "1st Jan - Think about getting some new clothes" written over it in crayon, wasn't that convincing.

Then a load of bills turn up from some old Queen.

Bemused, you will be after that episode of "Soap"!

Queen's Speech

2007-11-06T18:43:00.000Z

After much debate in the media and around the country, it was concluded that the Queen's speech was still a bit lah-di-dah although not quite as excruciatingly posh as it was in the 1950s.

It was also generally agreed that it was a good thing that she was really rather rich as she did seem to have rather a lot of bills:

Climate Change Bill
This bill create's a legal framework to allow the Government to take the Climate to court to recover damages caused by floods, droughts and tornadoes. The bill at the moment stands at 257 million pounds.

Counter-Terrorism Bill
This bill will increase the powers of both police and courts to pursue those who make explosive tiddlywinks.

Crossrail Bill
This bill will tackle the growing problem of rail rage by creating a new form of ASBO aimed at irate rail passengers.

Cultural Property (Armed Conflicts) Bill
Ratification of the Convention on the Protection of Cultural Property, providing a series of protections for cultural artefacts that aren't actually blown up during wars.

Soap

2007-10-13T10:59:00.000Z

This is the story of two parties. The Labour Party and the Tory Party. This is the Labour leader, Gordon Brown, and this is the Tory leader, David Cameron, and this is Soap:

When Gordon announced that he wasn't up for it, David told him he wasn't being straight: "Are you calling me a poof?", said Gordon. Then Gordon and his chum Darling stole all of David's clothes and paraded about the House.

When asked where he stood on the dom/non-dom issue, David complained that coming down hard on non-doms was something they did in his party and that, if Gordon was claiming to swing that way, then he was just a phoney.

Bemused, you will be after that episode of "Soap"!

The Lobster Quadrille

2007-10-02T17:42:00.000Z

"The polls are in our favour," said a man to Gordon Brown,
"With Labour going up in them and the Tories going down,
See how easily the media misinterpret circumspection!
They are waiting for you now to call a snap election."

"Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, will you call a snap election?
Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, won't you call a snap election?"

Said Cameron to his conference, "We'll elucidate our goals,
With the public flocking to us, we'll be rising in the polls!
You can really have no notion how big will be my grin,
Electoral victory's in the bag, we cannot fail to win!"

"Would not, could not, would not, could not, would not fail to win.
Would not, could not, would not, could not, could not fail to win."

"What matters it how well we do?" Sir Menzies Campbell said,
"There'll be another poll, you know, once this election's dead.
The further we're from Cameron the nearer we're to Brown,
It matters not how well we do, we claim the centre ground."

"Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, will you claim the centre ground?
Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, won't you claim the centre ground?"

[with apologies to Lewis Carol]

Neologisms

2007-09-24T11:20:00.000Z

In today's news, we review some of the new words that have recently entered the English language.

Election Fever (n.)
The latest crisis to beset farmers and everyone else in the UK; it is caused by unusually high seasonal poll ratings for the Government.

Bluetongue (n. and adj.)
A symptom exhibited by journalists babbling away in an excess of election fever.

Sub-Prime (adj.)
Unreliable, of low quality, liable to fail and unlikely to yield a profit; as in:
“As election fever spreads from farm to farm, economists have expressed concern for Britain’s sub-prime cattle market.”

Gordon is a Moron

2007-08-01T19:28:00.000Z

In today's news, we look back on a month where the UK opinion polls went sour for Tory leader, David Cameron.

Jilted Dave

I'd been doing well in the polls,
and the public loved me
But last month they said to me,
in papers and on telly

(This is what they said)

They said, "listen Dave, you're a nice guy
But really just a lightweight
I don't want to vote for you,
the other bloke's a heavyweight"

"Who's this bloke," I asked them
"Goooooordon," they replied
"Not THAT control-freak," I said
"He's no stalinist," they cried

("He's more of a PM than you'll ever be!")

Here we go, two three four (percent behind)

I was so upset that I cried,
all the way to Rwanda
When I got back there was Gordon,
with his propaganda

(And guess who was with him? Yeah, the British Press, and they were all laughing at me)

Oh, they are cruel and heartless
to pack me for Gordon
Just cos he's dour and serious
Just cos he's not trendy

But I know he's a moron, Gordon is a moron
Gordon Brown's a moron, Gordon is a moron

[with apologies to Graham Fellows/Jilted John]

New J K Rowling books

2007-07-27T08:55:00.000Z

After the publication of the 7th and final Harry Potter book, J K Rowling has revealed that she is writing two new books.

The first book, "Barry Cotter and the Stilosopher's Phone", is aimed at children and set in Wogharts School of Blizzardry and Weathercraft, a school for young weather forecasters. The plot revolves around Barry's fight against Global Warming. Barry and his friends try to save the 'muddles' (people who aren't weather experts) of southern England from alternate bouts of drought and flooding.

The second book, "Sally Blotter and the Chatter of Secrets", is aimed at adults and set in Bogwarts School of Bitchcraft and Gossipry, a school for tabloid columnists. The plot revolves around Sally's fight against celebrity marriages. Sally and some people she hangs out with, but slags off behind their backs, try to save the 'befuddled' (people who read tabloid columnists) from the belief that people could possibly be famous and faithful or rich and happy.

Rubbish

2007-07-16T08:00:00.000Z

In today's news, a committee of UK MPs has condemned the UK's rubbish collection policy as "rubbish".

After looking into bins, waste-collection vehicles and tips around the country, the committee labelled plans for small cash incentives (for recycled waste) and charges (for non-recycled waste) as "a bit timid".

Furthermore, in considering the collection of non-recyclable waste and recyclable waste on alternate weeks, the committee of hard-headed, no-nonsense politicians concluded that, although it did appear to increase recycling and there was no evidence that it actually did pose any threat to public health, it was possibly not always appropriate, especially as there had been a lot of fuss about it in the Press, and, well, you can never be sure and we really ought to listen to people's concerns and not run before we can walk - best to look before you leap and all that...

More Flood Relief

2007-07-13T20:21:00.000Z

In today's news, the Chinese government allocated another 95 million yuan to fund disaster relief work in flood-hit Anhui, Henan, Hubei, Sichuan and Shanxi provinces, bringing the total fund to 327 million yuan (21 million British Pounds).

More than 66 million Chinese have been affected by floods this summer, with 360 people killed and direct economic losses of 24.3 billion yuan (1.5 billion British Pounds).

Meanwhile, the UK's central government allocated 14 million British Pounds to a relief package to be shared out among flood-hit local authorities, in Yorkshire and the Midlands.

More than 28,000 homes have been affected by floods this summer, with 4 people killed and economic losses of 1.5 billion British Pounds.

The leader of Hull City Council said it was only "a drop in the ocean".

Born to be King

2007-06-27T08:11:00.000Z

The story so far:

England, 1498. As the events of history echo in the events of today, so the events of today echo in the events of history. Gordon Brown's ancestor, Gordon Brownadder, is on verge of realising his long-cherished desire to be king.

On A Hillside, Overlooking The King's Castle

Brownadder: Ah, Ballsrick, greetings to you, my faithful, if somewhat lacklustre, servant.

Ballsrick: Hail, my lord!

Brownadder: No, no hail, although I think we're due some more rain.

Ballsrick: I mean: Hail, my lord! Greetings, it is good to see you back after these last few tumultuous weeks.

Brownadder: Yes, Ballsrick, it is good to be back for today I will seize the throne and become King of England!

Ballsrick: How are you going to do that, my lord?

Brownadder: In these last weeks, I have scoured the land in search of the most evil and ruthless people in the country - in order that they may help me to depose the King and govern the Kingdom prudently.

Ballsrick: But surely Private Equity Fund managers haven't been invented yet! Who could be hard-bitten and hard-boiled enough to aid you in this deed?

Brownadder: Only the most dastardly and unprincipled people in the kingdom: Alistair Darling, Harriet Harman and, of course, Quentin Davies!

Ballsrick: But isn't the King abdicating anyway?

Brownadder: What?

Ballsrick: Yes, there's speculation that he is going to become a special Middle East envoy to represent the Pope and the Holy Roman Emperor in their negotiations with the Turks.

Brownadder: We must make haste to the King's castle.

Ballsrick: Yes, my lord, he'll be due to do his final King's Question Time.

In The Great Hall

King: Alistair, darling, is Brownadder here yet?

Darling: Brownadder has just arrived now, sir.

King: Ah, Brownadder! Do come in, Question Time is nearly over. Now, then there is just time for one last question.

A young, eager lord, Sir David Cameron, steps forward.

Cameron: Can the King tell us, in his long reign: what was his biggest lie? and did he get away with it.

King: That's easy: I don't tell lies and yes!

Cameron: But...

King: No, no, no! You've had your question! Now, I'm off to see the Pope and tell him that I've abdicated... and that is that, the end!

Cameron: But who will be King hereafter?

King: I think Brownadder's the only one who wants to be King.

The ex-King strides from the Great Hall followed by his entourage of courtiers, as they trail after him shouting questions. Brownadder and Ballsrick are left alone in the Great Hall.

Ballsrick: So, my Lord - or should I say "King" - how does it feel to have all that you have sought finally in your grasp?

Brownadder: Great, Ballsrick: dominion over all England, reigning by divine right, the chance to run things properly, the chance to tell that Lord Cameron exactly what I think of him.

Ballsrick: But isn't it funny, sir, that no-one else wanted the job.

Brownadder: Hmmm

The End

Morality for Prime Ministers

2007-06-25T08:46:00.001Z

As Mma Cameron drove the little white van around the edges of St James's Park, the hippos looked almost golden in the bright, early morning sunshine with their roaring grunts and snorts filling the London air.

"Who can deny that global warming is almost certainly happening?" mused Mma Cameron.

Looking ahead to the acacia tree outside the offices of the No. 1 Conservative Ladies’ Election Agency, Mma Cameron could see huge, dark clouds dominating the sky behind; soon the erratic downpours of the rainy season would be upon them, testing the flood defences that had been built in a different era for a different climate.

Mma Cameron parked under the acacia tree and quickly proceeded in through the door to the office before the rain began to fall. Mma Osbourne, who had been reading a newspaper, looked up and said: “Good morning, Mma, I'm glad to see you made it here before the rain."

The rain began to pound on the corrugated iron roof and pour down on to the parched earth outside. Mma Cameron smiled and said, "I think we should have a cup of Bush tea.”

Mma Osbourne put the kettle on and then pointed to the newspaper on the desk, "Have you seen the news about Mr J. G. Brown?"

Mma Cameron frowned, "Yes, I think it is a very odd thing that Mr A. C. L. Blair should step down and that Mr J. G. Brown become Prime Minister without there being an election. This would not happen if they were adhering to the old Conservative values."

Mma Osborne agreed, "Oh yes, a Conservative leader would first be damaged by a stalking horse and then ousted by a cabal of cabinet colleagues."

"Yes, that's the old, Tory morality," concurred Mma Cameron.

"...and then the Conservative MPs would obediently elect the outgoing Prime Minister's chosen successor," continued Mma Osbourne.

"Who would naturally be a man of relatively little experience in Government," added Mma Cameron, "like that nice Mr J. Major."

"Or yourself," noted Mma Osbourne.

Mma Cameron nodded and then continued, "Quite why anyone would think that it is a good thing to have an orderly transition of the role of Prime Minister from a long-serving leader to a hugely, experienced colleague, I don't know!"

"Indeed," said Mma Osbourne, "and where's the attendant chaos and uncertainty amid rioting and the onset of recession?"

They both laughed out loud. Mma Cameron glanced over to Mma Osborne, “Should we have another cup of Bush tea?”

19th-century weapon found in whale reveals age

2007-06-15T20:58:00.000Z

In today's news, native Alaskan hunters have discovered a wooden puppet inside the carcass of a 50-tonne bowhead whale.

A curator of the Florentine Museum of Marionettes said:
"This type of stringless puppet (marionetto nonstringoli) dates from Italy in the 1880s."

However, a representative from the Middlesex County Cricket Club said:
"The remains of a cricket found in the whale could well be much older than the puppet, but we can't really comment as we don't do entomology just Cricket."

An elderly Tuscan woodcarver is helping police with their inquiries.

Wives and Girlfriends

2007-06-11T21:34:00.000Z

In today's news (oh, alright, back on the 3 June), we learnt of new words entering the English language.

hoodie (n.)
A head-protection device developed as global warming and ozone depletion combine with male-pattern baldness to threaten the health of young British males.

WAG (n. plural)
Wives and Girlfriends of the England Football team (and by extension other celebrities). The singular form is, of course, WOG (Wife or Girlfriend)

man-bag (n.)
A device used to transport home military personnel when they have ceased being militarily functional owing to termination by enemy fire, suicide bombers or inadvertent friendly combative misalignment.

brainfood (n.)
A Japanese dish involving monkeys.

plasma screen (n.)
A device used in Star Trek to protect a spaceship when passing close to a star.

95% of people facing hell

2007-05-24T07:19:00.000Z

In today's news, a prominent Church of England theologian has claimed that 95% of people are going to Hell.

This was immediately condemned by the leader of the Conservatory Party, who accused traditionalists of:
"clinging on to outdated mantras that bear no relation to the reality of life."

He went on to insist that his party vehemently opposed the idea of selecting people for Heaven or Hell at the age of 11, arguing that middle class parents could coach a less gifted child to do better in an exam at age 11 than a bright child from a less well-off background.

A spokesman for the Labouratory Party said:
"Whilst we certainly oppose a return to the 11+ and the grammar school/secondary modern system, we do not oppose selection per se provided it is relevant to the particular specialism in question.

The Government has no objection to people being selected for Heaven based on their aptitude for the activities that go on there - singing, talking to God, watering pot plants, etc. Equally, we would expect Hell to select on the basis of abilities appropriate to its sphere of excellence: adultery, pillage, torture and that sort of thing."

UK Planning Laws

2007-05-21T08:30:00.000Z

In today's news, the UK Government has announced plans to cut the red tape surrounding planning applications in order to speed up the process for approving building projects such as conservatories, loft-conversions, wind-turbines, airport runways or nuclear power stations.

A government spokesman said:
"We need to replace the existing incredibly difficult system with something more efficient, obviously we can't have people simply building a garage where they like, if it cuts out a neighbour's view; but surely if someone has sufficient space, storage facilities and radio-active waste management systems then why should they have to wait 3 months for planning permission to build a nuclear power station in their back garden?"

A representative of the Conservatories Party said:
"We agree that the planning process for things like wind-turbines should be made simpler - especially as a novelty wind-turbine can cut household carbon-emissions in a typical Notting Hill home by 0.5% and boost Tory poll ratings by a similar margin.

However, we condemn the government's proposals regarding major building projects as this will obviously lead to more of these things being built in well-heeled Tory-voting constituencies rather than in down-at-heel Labour-voting areas."

Changing of the Guard

2007-05-10T08:29:00.000Z

The story so far:

Dour Scot, Captain Gordon Brownadder, a professional soldier in the British Army, has been in the trenches since the start of the Great War. Aided by his batman, the babbling Private Edward Ballsrick, the ambitious Brownadder is anxious to advance his position in the army and is continually frustrating the orders he receives from General Sir Anthony Cecil Hogmanay Blair's HQ.

In the Dug-Out

Brownadder: Right, Ballsrick, I'm off to HQ. I'm expecting that damned fool General Blair to finally announce his retirement.

Ballsrick: There's been a lot of talk amongst the troops about who should replace him. Will it be that nice General Cameron?

Brownadder: No it won't, Ballsrick, the last thing we need is another wet-behind-the-ears, rugger-bugger, public school type. This is a modern war not the playing fields of Eton.

Ballsrick: So who should take over then, sir?

Brownadder: I think the prudent strategy would be for an experienced soldier to take over.

Staff HQ

Blair: Alistair, darling, is Brownadder here yet?

Darling: Captain Brownadder has just arrived now, sir.

Blair: Ah, Brownadder! Do sit down.

Brownadder: I'm surprised that you are here, sir, I thought you were in Ireland.

Blair: I've just got back, Brownadder: mission accomplished!

Brownadder: Indeed, sir? What mission was that?

Blair: A Government mission to bring about peace in Ireland, Brownadder.

Brownadder: But the IRA's avowed intent is to create a united independent Ireland!

Blair: Ah yes, Brownadder, but now we've enticed them into a broad-based coalition government. You see it's the traditional British strategy: get the natives to run their own local affairs and then they'll soon find out that they rather like being British.

Brownadder: But these are convicted murderers and terrorists, aren't they?

Blair: Oh yes, Brownadder, so the cut-and-thrust of politics shouldn't come as too much of a shock for them.

Brownadder: Ah!

Blair: Anyway, Brownadder, I've called you here today to announce my forthcoming retirement. I've been in command now for over a decade and it's time for me to move on and let someone else shoulder the burden.

Brownadder: I see, sir, the endless futility of this war would get any man down - you must wonder what we have achieved.

Blair: Not at all, Brownadder, we've achieved a great deal.

Brownadder: Some people might say that we've got ourselves mired in a costly war, completely dependent on the Americans to get us out of it. In terms of our objective to finish the war by Christmas and make Britain a land fit for heroes, we do seem to be some way off the mark.

Blair: Tish and tosh, Brownadder! I think you'll find that this war has a lot more popular support than you imagine - that's why they call it the Great War. Anyway, we have a terrific new plan to end the war.

Brownadder: What's that, sir?

Blair: Passchendaele, Brownadder, a large area of marshy ground that our artillery can turn into endless mud - thus isolating the Germans in their well-defended pillboxes and machine-gun nests while our tanks and troops advance towards them.

Brownadder: Hardly a new plan is it, sir?

Blair: Well, admittedly we have used the same tactics and in the same place a couple of time before - but third time lucky, eh, Brownadder!

Brownadder: I'm sure that's what the German General Von Kameron will be hoping.

Blair: I'm sure he's quaking in his impregnable concrete bunker even as we speak; and well he might, Brownadder, because you will be the man to co-ordinate this offensive. There are a few formalities to go through, but within a few weeks I'm confident that you will be promoted to General and taking over from me here at HQ.

Brownadder: Well, sir, what an unexpected honour.

Blair: Yes, it is a bit unexpected, but I want you to know that you were my first choice as successor.

Brownadder: So this list of crossed-out names on your desk isn't all the other people you tried first?

Blair: No, no, of course not.

Brownadder: Despite the fact that it says: list of people to promote instead of Brownadder? Captain Milliband, Captain Reid, Captain Clarke, Private Ballsrick?

Blair: Now then, Brownadder, you know I've always supported you.

Brownadder: Indeed, sir, and I have always supported you.

Later, In the Dug-Out

Ballsrick: So how does it feel to have all that you have sought finally within reach?

Brownadder: Great, Ballsrick: Command of the Western Front, the chance to run things properly, the chance to tell that General Cameron exactly what I think of him.

Ballsrick: But isn't it funny, sir, that no-one else wanted the job.

Brownadder: Hmmm

The End

Government of the Living Dead

2007-05-09T11:52:00.000Z

In today's news, David Cameron, leader of the UK Conservative party, has said that the UK Prime Minister, Tony Blair, is presiding over "a government of the living dead."

Lal Bihari, President of Mritak Sangh (the Association of the Dead), said:
"We're just a small political party in northern India representing the living dead. We are campaigning for the reinstatement of the legal rights of people wrongly declared dead by unscrupulous relatives trying to steal their assets.

Whilst we hope to do well in the current elections in Uttar Pradesh, I don't think that Tony Blair or any other members of the UK Labour party have applied to join our party."

A spokesman for the Tory party said:
"It has been established that persons who have recently died have been returning to life and committing acts of murder. This is a shocking indictment of the government's policies and we think that the current Home Secretary should cancel his decision to resign from the cabinet and then resign over this matter instead."

2007 UK mid-term election results

2007-05-04T21:32:00.000Z

In today's news, the UK's ruling Labour party performed badly in the UK's local and regional elections.

The opposition Conservative Party leader David Cameron said:
"This is a remarkable victory for the Tory party, we have driven Labour from power in Scotland and reduced them to a minority administration in Wales. This is a complete vindication of our decision to adopt Tony Blair's strategy of not actually announcing any policies when attacking a weak and divided government that has been in power for too long. Surely nothing as momentous as this has happened since my hero, Tony Blair, led Labour to its 1997 electoral triumph?"

The Prime Minister, and Labour Leader, Tony Blair said:
"Speaking as a party leader who has already announced that he is stepping down within weeks, I really don't care diddly squat about these elections."

Earlier in the day, Alex Salmond, leader of the Scottish National Party, said:
"It really is a scandal how dim-witted Scots were expected to successfully fill in a couple of ballot sheets, we will certainly be looking for a full inquiry into the number of spoilt papers and any potential impact to actual electoral results."

Later in the day, Alex Salmond, leader of the Scottish National Party, said:
"Having just realised that the SNP is now the largest party in the Scottish Parliament, I must say that this is a complete vindication of the unique electoral system we have here in Scotland."

When it was suggested that Gordon Brown, a Scottish Labour MP, couldn't possibly be Prime Minister of the UK if Labour wasn't also running the Scottish Parliament, he could have asked:
"Did anyone say that when Margaret Thatcher, a London MP, found that the Greater London Council was run by Labour."

But he didn't said anything, he was just biding his time.

MTV Movie Awards

2007-05-02T10:30:00.000Z

NewsElephant reviews some of the films nominated for the prestigious MTV Movie Awards.

300
In 480 BC, the Persian emperor G. W. Xerxes is convinced that the Greek city-states are stockpiling weapons of mass destruction. After the Greeks refuse access to the Persian inspectors, Xerxes sends in his army. A force of 300 Spartan and 700 Thespian insurgents pin the Persian army down in a costly, bloody and highly controversial war. The film has been widely condemned as historically inaccurate for its portrayal of the Persians as dehumanised monsters, the Spartans as narcissistic proto-fascists and the Thespians as vain, histrionic, ham actors.

Mr Blair’s Holiday
The title character, Tony Blair, is a childlike, sometimes ingenious, and generally likeable buffoon who frequently gets into hilarious situations due to his various schemes and contrivances. The humour largely comes from his original solutions to any problems and his total disregard for others when solving them. The action is mainly staged in and around Mr Blair’s home in Downing Street; the plot revolves around a misunderstanding with Mr Blair’s neighbour, Mr Brown, which ultimately leads to Mr Blair losing his job and his house, No. 10, and having to go on a long holiday.

Shrek the Third
In the Land of Far Far Away, President Shrek is desperate to find a suitable successor before he has to return to live in the swamp; but finding a promising contender is more difficult than he thought. In a hilarious Republican romp, Shrek frantically discards candidate after candidate, finding them either too liberal or too unpopular but not one which is ‘just right’. Will he find a compassionate conservative in time or will the evil Democrats beat him to it? Watch out for skeletons in cupboards.

A Scot could become Prime Minister

2007-05-01T13:34:00.000Z

In today's news, on the 300th Anniversary of the Union between England and Scotland, Tony Blair, the Edinburgh-born Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, who is soon to stand down after 10 years in power, astonished Labour Party workers at a rally in Scotland by telling them:
"In all probability, a Scot will become Prime Minister of the United Kingdom."

Chocolate Factory Closed

2007-04-25T14:29:00.000Z

In today's news, the Health & Safety Executive has closed down the troubled Chocolate factory at the centre of yesterday's Police raids.

A spokesman for the HSE said:
"We were called in to investigate a series of incidents involving children who were visiting the factory. We found a number of very serious lapses in the health and safety procedures and facilities within the factory that necessitated its immediate closure pending the implementation of our proposals. "

A spokes-oompa-loompa for Mr Wonka said:
"We are co-operating fully with officials from the Heath and Safety Executive and are absolutely committed to implementing all the safety recommendations that they have proposed."

It is understood that the HSE recommendations require:
- all items in the Chocolate Room's edible garden to be clearly labelled with Best Before dates
- safety fences along the length of the chocolate river with fully trained life guards stationed every 50 metres
- an end to the use of squirrels in the processing of nuts
- glass in the Great Glass Elevator to be replaced by perspex

A spokesperson for the United Nations Monitoring, Verification and Inspection Commission said
"We have been asked by the UN Security Council to inspect Mr Wonka's process for delivering chocolate bars by television as this may constitute a weapon of mass destruction."

In a separate move, the parents of the children affected by these health and safety incidents (who cannot be named for legal reasons) have launched a joint legal action against Mr Wonka seeking exemplary damages for the pain and emotional anguish suffered by their offspring.

Chocolate Factory Raided

2007-04-24T13:59:00.000Z

In today's news, in a combined operation with the Home Office Immigration Service and the Inland Revenue, Police have raided the world's largest Chocolate Factory, detaining a large number of illegal immigrants and arresting the factory's proprietor, Mr William Wonka.

A Police spokesman said:
"We were first alerted to Mr Wonka's activities when he controversially laid off his entire work force and yet continued trading. We now understand that he has been running his factory using illegal immigrants from Loompaland."

An Inland Revenue spokesman said:
"We contacted the Police when Mr Wonka stopped paying employer's national insurance contributions. It turns out that he has been paying his Oompa-Loompa workers with cacao beans in an attempt to avoid income tax payments."

A spokesperson for the Home Office confirmed:
"A number of Oompa-Loompas have applied for asylum in the UK on the basis that a return to Loompaland would endanger their lives because of the prevalence there of Snozzwangers, Hornswogglers, wicked Whangdoodles and Vermicious knids."

The Immigration Service later turned down their application because:
"The UK government will only grant asylum to people who have a signed affidavit from a recognised brutal dictator confirming that they will be killed if they return to their home country; the only exceptions to this are terrorists, murderers and retired dictators who would clearly be at risk if we sent them back."

Mr Wonka has denied that customers, who bought Wonka chocolate bars after the fifth and final golden ticket had been found, had been swindled out of millions of pounds as they had no chance of winning a visit to his factory and a life-time supply of chocolate.

Immigration Controversy

2007-04-23T11:50:00.000Z

Right-wing think-tank, Civitas, has published a pamphlet predicting that immigration could lead to the political break-up of Britain.

An abridged version of the pamphlet could perhaps read:
"If we deliberately ignore the fact that short-term movements of EU workers, legitimately filling job vacancies in the UK, will quite simply reverse should job prospects worsen in the UK or brighten elsewhere within the EU, and if we invent some frightening statistics for illegal immigrants, we can portray immigration as being a more terrifying threat to the country than at any time since bigotry was first invented."

Turkey Twizzlers

2007-04-19T17:01:00.000Z

In today's news, we hear that UK Turkey producer Bernard Matthews will receive nearly £600,000 in compensation after a bird flu outbreak forced it to slaughter thousands of turkeys.

The UK Government said:
"Although, anyone with any sense knows that you have to give farmers large quantities of public cash to make them do anything - even if it's in the interest of public health - we know that there'll be a big hoohah in the press about this so we'd just like to say that we don't like it very much either."

A spokesman for the opposition Tory party may as well have said:
"This really is a shocking indictment of the Labour Government, the legislation under which the Government is obliged to make this payment was hopelessly out of date even when the last Tory Government was paying out to those farmers with mad cows, which is why we've been tirelessly campaigning against it since we saw this item on the news a few minutes ago. Surely the government should put aside the fact that no-one can prove how the turkeys got Bird Flu and summarily execute Bernard Matthews."

Bernard Matthews probably said:
"£600,000? Bootiful!"

UK Inflation Soars

2007-04-17T14:31:00.000Z

In today's news, we hear that the UK Inflation Rate has reached 3.1%; necessitating the Governor of the Bank of England to write an open letter to the Chancellor of the Exchequer explaining why inflation is more than 1% off the target rate of 2% and what he's going to do about it.

Conservative shadow chancellor George Osborne probably said:
"Clearly inflation is now completely out of control and the Chancellor should immediately abandon his policy of allowing the Bank of England to set interest rates and adopt the Conservative party's policy of, er, allowing the Bank of England to set interest rates."

The Liberal Democrat spokesman for Money and Stuff said:
"When will the Chancellor see sense and adopt the Liberal Democrat policy of claiming that we thought of allowing the Bank of England to set interest rates first?"

Amid rising panic and financial commentators clamouring for blood, the Governor of the Bank of England was forced to admit:
"Inflation is likely to fall back within a matter of months"

Tears of the Pension Fund Manager

2007-04-03T10:40:00.000Z

Mma Cameron's bicycle wobbled along the dusty lane, passing tsamma melons and wild cucumbers growing on either side in the sun-drenched landscape, which could have been Botswana, but was in fact Victoria Street, London.

"It is important in these days of climate change to be seen to do one's bit for green issues," reflected Mma Cameron, "such as cycling instead of driving."

After taking off the various cycling accoutrements, such as helmet and bicycle clips, Mma Cameron locked the bicycle up in the shade of the acacia tree outside the offices of the No. 1 Conservative Ladies’ Election Agency, and then waved in Mma Osborne who had been following closely behind in the little white van.

Mma Cameron opened the door carefully, making sure that no snakes had slithered into the relative cool of the office. As they sat down at their respective desks, Mma Cameron glanced over to Mma Osborne, “I think it is time we had a cup of Bush tea.”

Mma Osborne was about to reply when they heard a car pull up outside, looking out of the window they could see a smartly dressed businessman emerging from a Mercedes Benz. Mma Osborne opened the office door and the businessman came in. He introduced himself as a very important and successful Pension Fund Manager with many years experience.

"Mma Cameron, I've come to seek your advice on a complicated issue," he said, "I've just found out that 10 years ago Mr J. G. Brown of Downing Street Speedy Motors abolished dividend tax credits for pension funds."

Mma Cameron looked kindly at the man who was obviously quite distressed and emotional.

"I have a big shortfall in the pension funds I manage and I'm rooting around for someone to blame," continued the man.

Mma Cameron nodded, "Yes, it is important to be able to find someone to blame."

"I went to public school so, of course, I'm not very good at sums," stated the businessman, "and my staff all used to run barrows in the East End, so they're not very good at maths either."

"Indeed," interjected Mma Osborne, "this is a complicated business, how can the manager of a large pension fund be expected to understand the implications of a tax change?"

Mma Cameron nodded: Mma Osborne had a certificate from the Magdalen Secretarial College, Oxford, and so clearly knew about these things. The businessman readily accepted the handkerchief that Mma Cameron passed over to him and wiped the tears from his eyes.

"You can be sure that I will have a word with Mr J. G. Brown about this," declared Mma Cameron, leading the distraught man back to his car.

"Mr J. G. Brown is always tinkering away at things," stated Mma Osborne as Mma Cameron came back into the office, "it does not pay to always be busying oneself."

They both laughed out loud. Mma Cameron glanced over to Mma Osborne, “Should we have another cup of Bush tea?”

The No. 1 Conservative Ladies' Election Agency

2007-03-30T15:58:00.000Z

[You will not get this unless you have read the No.1 Ladies' Detective Agency by Alexander McCall Smith]

Mma Cameron, owner of the No. 1 Conservative Ladies’ Election Agency, pushed open the office window to let some air into the sweltering room. Staring out at the crocodiles on the riverside and the antelope on the sun-drenched landscape that could have been Botswana but was in fact Victoria Street, London, Mma Cameron wondered whether Mr A. A. Gore was right about this Global Warming thing.

Mma Cameron observed, “It is one of the peculiarities of our work that there are often periods where we have very little to do while we wait for our next case.”

Mma Osborne concurred, “But we do need these times of respite, I don’t think we could sustain the intellectual demands of solving complicated issues all the time.”

“Indeed,” agreed Mma Cameron, “it does not pay to always be busying oneself – not like that Mr J. G. Brown down at Downing Street Speedy Motors, he’s always tinkering with something.”

“…and yet his accounts are in such a state,” said Mma Osborne, “I’m sure he doesn’t know what he is doing.”

Mma Cameron nodded: Mma Osborne had a certificate from the Magdalen Secretarial College, Oxford, and so clearly knew about these things.

Mma Cameron glanced over to Mma Osborne, “I think it is time we had a cup of Bush tea.”

“Or should we try some of that Fair Trade coffee that Mr A. A. Gore gave us when he visited?” asked Mma Osborne.

“No, whilst it is important to be seen to be open to new ideas such as Mr A. A. Gore’s, I think I still prefer the tea that Mr G. W. Bush gave us.”

After they had enjoyed a nice cup of bush tea and their spirits were suitably raised, they tidied up the office and completed some outstanding filing. That done, they settled back into their seats.

Mma Osborne was reading the newspaper, “I see that the Government are failing to meet their targets for lifting children out of poverty.”

Mma Cameron shook her head at the folly of it all, “what they need is to apply some traditional Tory values.”

“Oh, yes,” agreed Mma Osborne, “like self-reliance.”

“…and respect for others,” continued Mma Cameron.

“…and being born with a silver spoon in one’s mouth,” asserted Mma Osborne.

“Yes, that would soon sort out child poverty,” declared Mma Cameron.

They both laughed out loud. Mma Cameron glanced over to Mma Osborne, “Should we have another cup of Bush tea?”

Home Office to be split in two

2007-03-29T20:06:00.000Z

In today's news, the UK Home Office has been split into two separate departments.

The new head of the Department of Justice, Judge Dredd said
"The Government recognises the importance of a sensible home office split to allow our staff to achieve a satisfactory work-life balance."

The new head of the Department of Security, John Reid, said
"I am the Law!"

Northern Ireland Power-Sharing

2007-03-26T12:15:00.000Z

In today's news, power will return to the Stormont Parliament building in Northern Ireland. In an historic meeting, Ian Paisley, leader of the largest Unionist* party (the DUP), and Gerry Adams, leader of the largest Nationalist** party (Sinn Fein), have agreed a way forward that will allow restoration of power.

With electricians due to arrive at Stormont on 6 May to switch the power back on, but unable to say whether it will be the morning or the afternoon, the two sides have agreed that Mr Paisley will wait in until lunch time; if they haven't arrived by 11:45am, he'll phone Mr Adams, who has promised to be there as soon as he can, 12:30 at the latest, and wait in all afternoon if necessary.

As part of the power-sharing process, Mr Adams won't recharge his electric beard-trimmer whilst Mr Paisley is recharging his electric megaphone (and vice versa). Both sides agreed that this would help them 'not to blow a fuse' as they have on done so many previous occasions.

In a further historic agreement over the vexed question of water bills, both sides have agreed that it would be appropriate for the British tax-payer to pay them.

*Unionists - people in Northern Ireland who oppose union with the Republic of Ireland on the grounds that Northern Ireland is an integral part of the British Nation.

**Nationalists - people in Northern Ireland who reject that Northern Ireland is part of the British Nation on the grounds that it should an integral part of a United Ireland.

Alternative sources of money

2007-03-23T10:16:00.000Z

In today's news, practitioners of Alternative Medicine roundly condemned a leading medical expert today for roundly condemning as gobbledygook BSc degrees in complementary medicine at UK universities.

Medical professionals pointed out that:
"For a medicine to be used in conventional medicine, it must go through double-blind, placebo-controlled, randomised testing to prove that it's effective."

The Prince's Foundation for Integrated Health, a group set up by Prince Charles to promote complementary therapy, said:
"There is increasing evidence that alternative therapies work and where there is no proof it doesn't necessarily mean that there will never be."

A spokesman for the "World War II Bomber Found Moon" Action Group said:
"There is increasing evidence that a World War II bomber was spotted on the Moon and where there is no proof it doesn't necessarily mean that there will never be."

The University of Trumpton issued a statement saying:
"We feel it is important to offer courses in whatever subjects satisfy our enormous demand for easy cash, sorry, the public's enormous demand for degrees in Complementary Medicine."

A Lecturer in I-just-know-it-works-ology said:
"Scientists with their closed minds may make sweeping, absolutist generalisations, but I know from extensive anecdotal evidence that, of the patients treated by I-just-know-it-works-ology who responded to our survey, over 50% said that it worked just as well as putting their feet up and having a nice cup of tea. Clearly big Pharmaceutical companies are just trying to block this alternative cure for cancer."

Prince Charles might as well have said:
"You can trust my judgement on this - I have a degree... in History."

A spokesduck for the UK Homeopathic Medicines industry could have said:
"In accordance with homeopathic principles, we dilute our medicines until they are indistinguishable from water and then we sell it to the public. Surely you are not suggesting that the participants in a highly profitable, multi-million pound business would do it just for the money?"

The Budget

2007-03-20T11:00:00.000Z

The story so far:
Dour Scot, Gordon Brownadder, is butler to the Prince of Wales in Regency England. Aided by the babbling Edward Ballsrick, the ambitious Brownadder is anxious to advance his position in society and resents having to work for his dimwit master.

The Prince's Chambers

Brownadder: Your highness, the Prime Minister Mr Pitt the Younger is here to see you.

Prince: Oh, you know I can't stand vicars, Brownadder, can't you send him away?

Brownadder: Mr Pitt is not a minister of the church, sir, he is the Prime Minister.

Prince: Pry Minister? What does that mean - has he come to pry into my affairs? No, no, Brownadder, I'm all in favour of the separating Church from State, these ministers can get into their pulpits whilst I get into a right state down at the Naughty Hellfire Club!

Brownadder: I think you misunderstand, sir, he is the Prime Minister of Great Britain - the head of the government.

Prince: Really? I thought my dad the King was the head of the nation?

Brownadder: Your father the King appoints the Prime Minister to administer the country for him.

Prince: Oh, I see, so he's a bit like a butler?

Brownadder: That is certainly one way of looking at it.

Prince: So why's he come to see me?

Brownadder: He's come to present his budget to you.

Prince: Now look here, Brownadder, you know I can't stand pets.

Brownadder: Not his budgie, sir, the budget - the government's plans for taxation and spending for the coming year.

Prince: Oh? Why does he want to do that?

Brownadder: Today is budget day, as your father is currently suffering one of his bouts of insanity Mr Pitt has come to discuss the details with you as Prince Regent before he presents it to Parliament.

Prince: Fine, fine, send him in!

The Prince's Chambers (a moment later)

Brownadder: Your highness, my I present the right honourable Mr Pitt the Younger.

Prince: Pitt! I hope this morning finds you in fine fettle - come and join me at the table for some of Mrs Miggins' finest pies and a glass of port.

Pitt: Thank you, my lord, I don't mind if I do, as I have always said: Pie is the fuel of Britain.

Prince: Now then, let's see this budgie of yours.

Pitt: Well, my lord, I cannot show it to you as my budget is all in my head - I choose not to put it in writing so that the details cannot leak out to the press. My aim has been to tackle green issues, tempered by prudence and with a due regard for business and the rule of law, in order to retain our beautiful countryside and ensure our nation remains a green and pleasant land.

Prince: I see, would you like another pie?

Pitt: Thank you, yes.

Prince: Brownadder, you really must try these pies, they are most excellent.

Brownadder: I would, sir, but I'm afraid I'm suffering from toothache.

Prince: Well, get yourself down the barbers and have it taken out - and take this bottle of port with you to dull the pain.

Brownadder: Thank you, sir, but I choose to forgo pain-relief during dental surgery. We Brownadders burp in the face of hurt, have disdain for pain and sneer at fear!

Prince: I see, Brownadder, sounds like a lot of macho bravado to me. Mr Pitt would you care for another pie?

Pitt: Yes, I think I could eat one of Mrs Miggins' veal pies.

Prince: Tuck in, please.

Pitt: Urghhh!

Prince: Good lord, Pitt, what's wrong with you?

Brownadder: I think that the Prime Minister is dead, my lord.

Prince: Oh dear... I think I might have had enough pie for today, Brownadder.

Later, In the Kitchen

Brownadder: Right, Ballsrick, the Prime Minister is dead and because he didn't write it down, we've got less than an hour to come up with the budget and prevent the nation descending into anarchy.

Ballsrick: The budgie?

Brownadder: The government's spending plans, Ballsrick!

Ballsrick: Oh! Why do they call it a budgie?

Brownadder: Irony I suppose, a budgie goes cheap but budget's rarely do. Anyway, he said something about green issues - what could that be?

Ballsrick: Village greens?

Brownadder: Hmmm! How about this: To prevent the erosion of our green and pleasant land, the government proposes to enclose areas of village greens and common land and sell them off to the highest bidder. Very prudent. Then there was something about the countryside.

Ballsrick: Did he mean woods and trees?

Brownadder: Very probably! How does this sound: To reduce the depletion of our natural woodland, the government proposes to a tax on windows to encourage the building of more fuel-efficient country houses. That'll stop 'em cutting down all the trees. What was the other thing he said? Something about law and order.

Ballsrick: Oh yes sir, the prisons are overflowing.

Brownadder: How this then: The government proposes to abolish the slave trade, allowing ex-slave ships to be re-used for transporting criminals to Australia where they will be worked like slaves. That'll get Wilberforce off our backs.

The Prince's Chambers

Brownadder: Your highness, I have prepared the budget.

Prince: No thanks, Brownadder, I'd rather have chicken.

Brownadder: No sir, I have completed the government spending plans. Now all you need to do is appoint another Prime Minister.

Prince: Oh, yes, yes, I'd forgotten. Well, Brownadder, if I understood you correctly before, a Prime Minister is just a glorified butler - and the only butler that I'm on speaking terms with is you.

Brownadder: Yes, my lord?

Prince: So, as Prince Regent, I appoint you as Prime Minister.

Ballsrick: But doesn't Mr Brownadder have to be an MP first?

Brownadder: ...or a lord, my lord?

Prince: Indeed, Brownadder, I elevate you to the peerage, arise Lord Brownadder, Prime Minister of Great Britain.

Later, In the Kitchen

Ballsrick: Mr Brownadder? Wake up!

Brownadder: What, Ballsrick? Oh my head!

Ballsrick: Yes, Mr Brownadder, you drank that whole bottle of port before having your tooth out and then passed out before Mr Pitt arrived.

Brownadder: What, Ballsrick? Do you mean it was all a dream?

Ballsrick: Was what a dream, Mr Brownadder?

Brownadder: That I became Prime Minister?

Ballsrick: No, of course you didn't, sir! Surely everyone wants that nice Mr Cameron to be PM?

The End

Shaggy Blog Stories

2007-03-16T08:10:00.000Z

In today's news, 100 bloggers have published a book, Shaggy Blog Stories, to raise funds of the BBC's Red Nose Day Comic Relief appeal on Friday 16th March.

Through what must surely have been an administrative oversight, an item from NewsElephant got included, but don't let that put you off. Go to www.shaggyblogstories.co.uk to buy it.

Carbon Emission Rhapsody

2007-03-15T08:31:00.000Z

[apologies to Queen: Bohemian Rhapsody]
[N.B. read it with the original song in your head otherwise it doesn't scan very well]

Is this the real truth?
Is this just an excuse?
Causing a tax rise
To screw up our economy?
Open your eyes
Look out at the skies and sea
I'm a consumer, it's our economy
Because I'm feeling fine, let it go
taxes high, keep 'em low
Anyway the wind blows, doesn't really matter to me,
To me

Mama, just drove away
Put some petrol in my car
Put my foot down, there you are
Mama, I drive like everyone
But now they've gone and raised the tax today
Mama, oooo, didn't want this CO2
But I'm gonna keep on driving till tomorrow
Carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters

Too late, the change has come
Sending temperatures so high
To Arctic ice we wave goodbye
Goodbye summer ice - you've got to go
Gonna melt away and flow into the sea
Mama oooo - (any way the wind blows)
I don't know what to do
I sometimes wish we'd never found oil at all

I see a lot of human beings burning carbon
America, America will you cut emissions?
Hurricane Katrina - very, very frightening - see
Global warming, Global warming
Global warming, Global warming
Global warming, here we go - increasing so

I'm just a polar bear living on the tundra
He's just a polar bear, the ice is melting under
Spare him his life, as the glaciers split asunder
Melting ice, melting snow, thawing out the ice floe
Alaska! Snow! We're losing ice and snow -let it snow
Canada! The frozen tundras go -let it snow
In Greenland! Where is the icy floe? -let it snow
Where is the icy floe? -let it snow
Where is the icy floe? -let it snow
Snow, snow, snow, snow, snow, snow, snow
Oh Mama mia, mama mia, a polar bear he needs the snow
Beware the ice'll cause the levels all to rise at sea,
at sea,
at sea

So you think you can stop it by planting a tree?
So you think you can live on the floodplain of river and sea?
Oh maybe -You'll get away with it maybe
Just gotta cut our - just gotta cut our emissions here

oooo, oo yeah, oo yeah

Emissions really matter,
Anyone can see,
Emissions really matter, Emissions really matter, you see

Any way the wind blows....

Climate Change

2007-03-13T11:58:00.000Z

In today's news, the UK Government has announced to cut carbon emissions by 60% by 2050 and between 26% and 32% by 2020.

The Conservative opposition environment spokesman roundly condemned the proposals:
"This doesn't go anywhere near the Tory Party's plan to cut carbon emissions by between 59% and 61% by 2050 and between 25% and 33% by 2020."

The Liberal Democrat spokesman said:
"Hey, isn't that our policy!"

A spokesperson for the Green Party said:
"Remember us?"

Other proposals include:
- Reducing emissions from domestic buildings by recategorising them as residential buildings.
- Replacing carbon in pencils with lead.
- Investment in low-carbon heating technologies such as woolly jumpers, furry slippers and thermal underwear.
- Switching from high-emission planes to low-emission gliders.
- Carbon emission caps: headgear emblazoned with the words 'I'm cutting emissions!'
- Making homes greener by combining blue paint with yellow.

Top Tory Sacked in Race Row

2007-03-09T14:22:00.000Z

In today's news, a top Tory MP, Patrick Mercer, has been forced to quit his post as Conservative Party homeland security spokesman because of comments he made about black soldiers.

Mr Mercer, who spent 25 years in the Worcestershire and Sherwood Foresters regiment, said in an interview with the Times:
"I came across a lot of ethnic minority soldiers who were idle and useless, but who used racism as cover for their misdemeanours. If someone is slow on the assault course, you'd get people shouting: 'Come on you fat bastard, come on you ginger bastard, come on you black bastard'."

The unfortunate victim of these taunts, Private Winston 'Duracell' Bunter, subsequently said:
"I came across a lot of non-ethnic, non-minority soldiers who were idle and useless, but who used racism as cover for their misdemeanours."

Role-Playing Games

2007-03-07T10:14:00.000Z

In today's news, a man accused of stealing underwear from a shop in Belfast has claimed that he had been involved in a role-playing game, as an elf named Beho, and may have blurred reality and fantasy.

Meanwhile, President Bush has denied that he had blurred reality and fantasy - while involved in a role-playing game as his dad in the first Gulf War - and had accidentally invaded Iraq. Close aides said that his character in the role-playing was actually the delusional knight-errant Don Quixote, with Tony Blair playing his dull-witted side-kick Sancho Panza.

The Swiss army has confirmed that it accidentally invaded the Duchy of Grand Fenwick while involved in a role-playing game as Peter Sellars and a host of British comedy character-actors.

Border Police

2007-02-26T22:24:00.000Z

In today's news, UK Conservative Party leader David Cameron has called for the creation of a new border police service.

Rather than proposing to spend any money on it, the border force will be created by unifying existing personnel and resources from agencies such as the Immigration Service, HM Revenue and Customs, Serious and Organised Crime Agency, the cast of The Bill and PC Plod from Noddy.

Mr Cameron declared:
"Instead of ID cards we believe the right approach is to have a fully integrated Border Police Force that will have one clear focus: keeping Scottish people out of England - particularly Gordon Brown and John Reid."

"The group will be chaired by Dame Helen Mirren, the former star of Prime Suspect. As someone who has been Britain's top policewoman, she knows better than anyone how many of the problems faced by the police in our cities can be exaggerated on the telly."

A spokesconstable for the Police said:
"Broader police would be able to block up the doorways to houses during raids thus preventing criminals escaping by getting round them."

The Secretary of State for Health condemned the proposal:
"This goes very much against the Government's campaign to tackle obesity, criminals could just as easily be blocked from escaping by two much thinner police constables standing very close together"

Doctor regulation shake-up plan

2007-02-21T08:48:00.000Z

In today's news, the UK Government has announced plans to regulate doctors by introducing revalidation checks every 5 years. The Doctor is expected to lose the power of self-regeneration.

The Government's white paper, Time and Relative Dimensions in Space: The Regulation of Time Travel in the 21st Century, will deal with recommendations raised by the Chief Medical Officer after the inquiry into last year's invasion of central London by Daleks and Cybermen.

The Chief Medical Officer said:
"People put their trust in the Doctor often at a major moment in their lives; this trust must be underpinned by a strong system to assure good practice and safe driving of the Tardis."

The British Medical Association said:
"We understand that Doctor Who is not a medical doctor; he is called doctor because he has a PhD in Time-and-Relative-Dimensions-in-Space-ology from Gallifrey Polytechnic."

House of Lords

2007-02-07T15:21:00.000Z

In today's news, Jack Straw outlined the UK Government's plans to reform the House of Lords.

Having got rid of most 'real' lords (unelected, hereditary) back in 1999, the 'Upper' House of the British Parliament is mainly filled with 'pretend' lords (unelected, appointed for life by the Prime Minister or the leaders of the main political parties).

MPs (elected members of the House of Commons) will be asked to vote on the following propositions concerning the reforms to the House of Lords:

1) By what method should Members of the House of Lords be selected:
a) Appointment (by the leaders of the main political parties in proportion to how many votes their party got in the election)?
b) Election (from lists compiled by the leaders of the main political parties in proportion to how many votes their party gets in the election)?
c) The highest bidder?

2) What other categories of people should be members:
a) Archbishops and Bishops of the Church of England?
b) Descendents of the bastard offspring of previous monarchs?
c) Winners of Big Brother?

3) How long should members be appointed:
a) one parliamentary term?
b) 15 years?
c) Life?
d) Membership should be visited upon the sons of the fathers unto the fourth generation?

5) What should the reformed House of Lords be called:
a) The House of Lords?
b) The Senate?
c) I Can't Believe It's Not the House of Lords!?
d) Utterly Butterly?

Cash for Honours

2007-02-01T14:20:00.000Z

Yesterday upon the stair
I didn’t meet a Tony Blair.
He wasn't there again today
I think the Police took him away.

A day ago, he didn’t do
This thing he's been alleged to do.
Again today it wasn’t done.
It’s just a story that’s been spun.

Nothing changed all yesterday
And nothing changed again today.
Might he change his mind some day?
I do not know, he couldn’t say.

(With apologies to William Hughes Mearns)

Sham 69 Split

2007-01-26T21:51:00.000Z

Sad old Punk band Sham 69 have split up due to irreconcilable differences between singer Jimmy Pursey and guitarist Dave Parsons.

Jammy Parsey has come out against prisons being "swamped" with minor offenders who were "cluttering up" the system.

Whereas Dive Pursons roundly comdemned the Home Secretary for writing to judges to remind them that "there are punishments available as alternatives to custodial sentences such as: community service, tagging or alerting the press so a mob can beat them to death."

Commenting on the split, an innocent man locked up for a murder he did not commit said:
"Wouldn't it be nice if guilty people went to prison for a change?"

A police informer, free to murder at will at the tax-payers' expense, said:
"Prison doesn't work - so I'm told, I've never been there myself."

Sham 69 have shelved plans to release their new singles: "If the Kids are Locked Up" and "Lock up (Dirty) Harry"

Jade Baddy

2007-01-19T13:25:00.000Z

Excitement mounts as Britons turn out to vote in the biggest issue of the new century i.e. voting Jade Goody out of Big Brother.

Gordon Brown flew into Mumbai to mend the UK's tattered relations with India, saying that he had heard of Big Brother but hadn't actually read any of George Orwell's novels recently.

Tony Blair (who's also in the government) said:
"This is surely one of the most important issues to confront the British public since the campaign to free Coronation Street's Deirdre in 1998 (when I was Prime Minster)."

A representative from Canada's Nunavut Territory said:
"We often wonder how ignorant, loud-mouthed, English yobs manage to survive in today's complex, international world. If you don't give them alcohol, cigarettes and daytime telly, do their heads simply cave in?"

Big Brother said:
"Ignorance is Strength"

Lou Reed

2007-01-17T07:19:00.000Z

Had Lou Reed been born 65 years ago today, it would be his 65th birthday.

This influential and controversial singer-songwriter has often been accused of writing controversial and influential songs about drugs, transvestites and sado-masochism; an informed analysis of his influential lyrics shows that the majority of his controversial songs were about fairly mundane, uncontroversial issues. Reviewing a few examples will show this.

Heroin
The unusual spelling used in the song title has led people to think this is a song about drugs; however it is clear from the lyrics that this is a song about the ups and downs of married life and how his wife is a heroine for putting up with it:
“Heroin, be the death of me

Heroin, it’s my wife and it’s my life”

Walk on the Wild Side
It has been suggested that this is about transvestites working the streets of New York; but again careful reading of the lyrics shows that far from being ‘camp’ it is actually about camping out in America’s great National Parks.
“Holly came from Miami FLA.

Hitch-hiked her way across the USA.

Plucked her eyebrows on the way

Shaved her legs and then he was a she

She says: hey babe, take a walk on the wild side”

Street Hassle
This medley of songs is said to range from sex-for-cash, a drug-user’s indifference to the death of a visitor and a bitter lament to lost love. It is in fact about the importance of saving for retirement and putting a bit away to cover your funeral expenses.
“But why don’t you grab your old lady by the feet

And just lay her out on the darkened street

And by morning, she’s just another hit and run”

Perfect Day
Usually seen as overly romantic, sentimental mush, this is in fact Lou Reed’s only song about drugs (and probably transvestite, transsexual Transylvania too), as the lyrics clearly show:
“Just a perfect day,

Feed animals in the zoo

Then later, a movie, too,

And then home.”

Bought and Sold for English Gold

2007-01-15T12:23:00.000Z

The story so far:
England, 1707: dour English MP, Sir Gordon Brownadder, is on his way by stage coach to Berwick-upon-Tweed. Aided by his man-servant, the babbling Edward Ballsrick, the ambitious Brownadder is travelling with the equally dour English MP, Sir Alexander Salmond, in order to secure the passing of the Act of Union by the Scottish Parliament.

Stage Coach, interior

Brownadder: I think we're about to reach Berwick. Have you got that list of the Scottish parliamentarians that we're going to meet?

Salmond: Here it is: Sir Anthony Blair, Sir David Cameron and Sir Menzies Campbell.

Brownadder: Ah, you couldn't imagine a more Scottish-sounding group of gentlemen, could you?

Salmond: Do you think they'll adopt sensible English names like Brown and Salmond after unification?

Brownadder: I doubt it.

Brownadder: Right, Ballsrick, are you sure you've got the cash prudently stowed inside the coach and not bouncing around on top?

Ballsrick: No problem, Sir Brownadder, it's securely stashed between my legs here.

Brownadder: Ah, perhaps the safest location in the whole of England, I can't imagine any highway robbers choosing to investigate whatever's between your legs.

Ballsrick: May I ask, sir, why we are travelling with £20,000 in cash?

Brownadder: Financial persuasion, Ballsrick, this cash will oil the wheels of Scottish Parliamentary democracy and get them to pass the Act of Union with England.

Ballsrick: Why would they want to unify with England?

Brownadder: I think the benefits are too numerous to list.

Ballsrick: Could you list just a few of them?

Brownadder: Erm, well... do we really have time for all these questions? Shouldn't you be polishing some boots or something?

Salmond: Come on Brownadder, I'm sure we can answer his question.

Brownadder: Indeed, well, there's the peace dividend for a start.

Ballsrick: What's that?

Brownadder: England won't need to station troops on the border to protect Berwick-upon-Tweed and the northern counties and Scotland won't need to station troops on the border to oppose our troops.

Ballsrick: Anything else?

Brownadder: Of yes, lots of things.

Salmond: Come on, Brownadder.

Brownadder: Perhaps Sir Alex would like to list some?

Salmond: Oh well, of course, there's... um?

Brownadder: Yes?

Salmond: Well, it will create the largest free trade area in Europe and bring prosperity to both nations through a common currency, freedom of movement and the abolition of trade tariffs.

Brownadder: And of course there will be a tremendous cultural exchange.

Salmond: Indeed, from English literature the Scots can take Chaucer, Shakespeare and Milton.

Ballsrick: And from Scottish literature?

Salmond: Well, there's that nice poem by Robert Burns about a mouse...

Ballsrick: One thing that troubles me, sir: aren't you worried that they'll come down to England and steal all our jobs?

Salmond: Ah, the myth of the Scottish plumber! Ballsrick, I think you'll find that your average Scottish worker is as lazy and incompetent as his English counterpart.

Ballsrick: But won't some of their MPs come down to England and join the government?

Brownadder: I hardly think we need worry about that, Ballsrick. I don't think the English will take kindly to people with Scottish surnames like Blair and Cameron telling them what to do.

The End

Home Office condemns Brits who offend abroad

2007-01-11T18:05:00.000Z

In a further twist to what is already being called historians-who-offend-abroad-but-who-are-not-on-the-Police-National-Computer-gate, the UK Home Secretary has seized the initiative by roundly condemning the latest instance of criminality perpetrated by a British historian abroad. British historian Felipe Fernandez-Armesto blatantly and brutally ignored commands from a US police officer to cease and desist from jaywalking in an Atlanta street.

The Home Secretary, John Reid probably said:
"This is a very serious problem and I take it very seriously indeed. I have initiated an enquiry to establish why this serious criminal is not on the Traffic Protection Register along with David Irving."

Some old Etonian speaking for the Tories said:
"Can the Home Secretary guarantee that this serious historian will not be able to get a job as a traffic warden?"

The US police officer didn't say:
"Gee, I thought he was Hispanic."

Big Brother Escapee Numbers Not Known

2007-01-06T15:28:00.000Z

The head of Big Brother, Winston Smith, admits he does not know how many inmates are on the run. The admission came as punk singer Donny Tourette escaped from the Tower of London.

The head of the UK Prison Service, Phil Wheatley, said:

"This is an absolute disgrace, if we ran the Prison Service like that I'd be out of a job."

The head of the Conservative party, David Cameron, said:

"This surely calls into question the decision to appoint the female beefeaters at the Tower of London. It's political correctness gone mad."

The Curse of Tutankhamun

2007-01-03T12:11:00.000Z

Today in 1924, Howard Carter opened the innermost section of the tomb of the Pharaoh Tutankhamun - wherein lay the sarcophagus and body of the ancient Egyptian king. Of those present none have survived, for the tomb was protected by a terrible curse:

Death Shall Come on Swift Wings To Him Who Disturbs the Peace of the King.

Lord Carnarvon, who financed the expedition, died in April the preceding year, aged just 56, and Carter went on to die mysteriously in his own bed just 15 years later at the age of 64. The curse was so powerful that Charlie Chaplin, although not actually present at the opening of the tomb, died just 53 years after reading about it in the newspaper.

Xmas TV Review

2006-12-30T08:33:00.000Z

Traditionally in the UK, Christmas is the time for watching a lot of telly. NewsElephant reviews some of the season's TV highlights.

The Railway Children
Three children are given ASBOs for trespassing on the railway, their parents countersue the train operator for not making the train sufficiently rubbery to bounce harmlessly off trespassers.

The Sound of Music
The Eurovision Song Contest reaches its climax. Who will win? Liverpool's baby-faced boy, London's US-style female clone or Austria's Von Trapp family?

Doctor Whom
Father Christmas has been kidnapped by the daleks. Ricky Gervais helps Doctor Whom to do battle with killer Christmas trees, exploding baubles and somnific Christmas TV. In the end, Doctor Who goes back in time to just before the kidnap attempt and rescues Santa.

Top Books to buy for Chrsitmas 2006

2006-12-18T14:54:00.000Z

China: the Kraken Awakes (Hank Hankski and Suzie Wang)
Now that China is building enormous space cities on the Moon, and all the world's manufacturing is done in China, the authors look back to how it all began in 1980 with the introduction of fire and stone tools, as the Communist regime slowly allowed Westen technology to filter in.

Why Don't Penguins' Feet Freeze? (Newt Psientist)
A fascinating review of the many different ways to eat penguin and how to store their hacked up carcasses. With fish stocks running out around the globe, attention is turning to the as yet untapped source of protein in the vast penguin flocks of Antarctica.

Dangerous Book for Boys (Alfred Noble)
A hollow, hardback book filled with gelignite and edged with razors, this is indeed a very dangerous book for boys.

Flanimal Lector (Ricky Gervais)
In the latest outing for flanimals, a serial killer is on the loose and the FBI must enlist the help of the flanimals in order to track him down.

The God Delusion (Dichard Rawkins)
In his angry, no-holds-barred, review of secular atheism versus organised religion and the sheer lunancy of the modern world, Rawkins firmly concludes that God had a bang on the head and imagined the whole thing.

when constabulary duty's to be done

2006-12-15T19:02:00.000Z

When the Saudi royal family buys some arms
(Buys some arms)
Of corruption there is often allegation,
(Allegation)
One expects a little money to grease palms
(To grease palms)
But foremost there comes the interests of the nation.
(Of the nation)

Our enquiries we with difficulty smother
('Culty smother)
With them wanting us to stop what we've begun.
(We've begun)
Taking one consideration with another,
(With another)
A policeman's job is not seen to be done.

Not wanting our commercial deals undone,
A policeman's job is not seen to be done,
(to be done)

With electioneering costing more and more,
(More and more)
And when lordships and the honours can be sold,
(Can be sold)
After all that's what they were invented for,
('Vented for)
By Lloyd George and the Prime Ministers of old.
('Sters of old)

When the PM's finished talking to the Police,
(To the Police)
With politicians counting each and every vote,
(Every vote)
Investigating slowly piece by piece,
(Piece by piece)
A policeman's job is not to rock the boat.

When the PM must be 'purer than the pure', quote unquote,
A policeman's job is not to rock the boat,
(rock the boat)

{with apologies to Gilbert & Sullivan}

Prince William passes out

2006-12-15T07:42:00.000Z

In today's news, we hear that Prince William has taken part in the 'passing out' ceremony at the Royal Military Academy Sandhurst after a 44-week course to become an officer in the British Army.

General Sir Anthony Cecil Hogmanay Melchett described the passing out ceremony:

"The passing out ceremony has been a tradition at Sandhurst since the Battle of Waterloo. After a night of reckless binge-drinking, if the trainee hasn't managed to throw up in his hat, assault an officer of the Military Police and get himself tied stark-naked to an enormous artillery piece before he passes out, then he simply isn't the sort of person we want in the British Army."

Nostradamus and his remarkably accurate predictions

2006-12-14T13:37:00.000Z

On this day in 1503, that remarkably, accurate clairvoyant, Michel Nostradamus, was born in Notre Dame, the son of Esmeralda and Quasimodo.

Even in the 21st Century, people are still astounded by the remarkableness and accuracy of his remarkably accurate predictions. For example, the following three quatrains are held up as the most remarkable for their accurateness.

Quatrain X.72
L'an mil neuf cens nonante neuf sept mois
Du ciel viendra grand Roy deffrayeur
Resusciter le grand Roy d'Angoumois.
Avant après Mars régner par bonheur.
This is widely believed to be a remarkably accurate prediction of Liverpool's victory in the 2005 UEFA Champion's League Final in Istanbul, it translates into English as:
Trailing AC Milan by three goals at half-time,
Liverpool storm back to take the game into extra-time,
And eventually beat the Italians 3-2 in a penalty shoot-out.

Quatrain I.81
D'humain troupeau neuf seront mis à part,
De jugement & conseil separés:
Leur sort sera divisé en départ,
Kappa, Thita, Lambda mors bannis égarés.
This is often seen as a prediction of the Cold War, translating into English as:
From Stettin in the Baltic to Trieste in the Adriatic,
an iron curtain has descended across the Continent.

Quatrain II.24
Bêtes farouches de faim fleuves tranner;
Plus part du champ encore Hister sera,
En caige de fer le grand sera treisner,
Quand rien enfant de Germain observa.
Possibly the most remarkable, this is said to predict a landmark in children's television; the English translation is as follows:
Tinkywinky. Dipsy. Laalaa. Po. Teletubbies. Teletubbies! Say, Hello!

EU Enlargement

2006-12-14T12:14:00.000Z

In today's news, EU leaders are gathering in Brussels to discuss European enlargement.

The summit has been called in response to research showing that the average European is overweight. Amid calls for pan-European co-operation to tackle the obesity epidemic, European leaders lamented the fact that it would no longer be possible to differentiate between a European and an American tourist by sight alone.

Individual nations have started to take steps of their own. Malta, home to the tubbiest Europeans, has introduced restrictions on the sale and distribution of their national dish: Maltesers; Hungary has changed it's name to Replete; and in the UK, a controversial Government campaign to encourage schoolchildren to eat a healthier diet has been condemned as 'the Nanny state gone mad' by parents passing chips and burgers through school fences to their ravenous children.

Tennyson

2006-12-09T22:44:00.000Z

Today in History, 9 Dec 1854, Alfred, Lord Tennyson's famous poem, "The Change of the Light Bulb" was published in England.

Set in the Crimean War (1854-56), this poem is, of course, famous for the joke: "How many soldiers of the Light Brigade does it take to change a light bulb: 600"

Top Crimean War nurse Florence Nightingale was dubbed 'The Lady of the Lamp' because she could change a light bulb single-handed.

Immigrants must integrate

2006-12-08T12:44:00.000Z

In today's news, Tony Blair has said that integration is vital for immigrant communities in the UK.

Condemning the current bias towards differentiation, the Prime Minister has ordered that questions about integration be added to the new UK Citizenship tests.

The new Citizenship test will look something like this:

1) Where are the Geordie, Cockney, and Scouse dialects spoken?
2) What are MPs?
3) What is the Church of England and what is it for?

4) Who was Henry the Eighth and his six wives?

5) Work out the following differentiation: find dy/dx where (x-y)^4 = x + y + 5

6) Work out the following integration: calculate∫xcos(x) dx

Gordon Brown's Ancestry: First World War

2006-12-07T12:28:00.000Z

The story so far:

Dour Scot, Captain Gordon Brownadder, a professional soldier in the British Army, has been in the trenches since the start of the Great War. Aided by his batman, the babbling Private Edward Ballsrick, the ambitious Brownadder is anxious to advance his position in the army and is continually frustrating the orders he receives from General Sir Anthony Cecil Hogmanay Blair's HQ.

The Dug-Out (phone rings)

Brownadder: Hello? Ah, Alistair, darling, how can I help? Hmm, I'll be there in forty minutes.

Ballsrick: Who was that, sir?

Brownadder: This is all we need: some pen-pushing, wet-behind-the-ears, know-all, straight out of Staff College, trying to tell us how to run the army.

Ballsrick: Who's that, sir?

Brownadder: There's a big hoohah in the press about the so-called 'Shells Scandal'. Blair's in a panic because that complete arse, General Cameron, is asking awkward questions.

Ballsrick: But didn't General Blair tell the press the war was a big disaster?

Brownadder: It will be a big disaster if General Cameron gets promoted and distributes all the old Etonian toffs to cushy desk jobs - there won't be any for us!

Ballsrick: I see, yes, I wish they'd distribute toffees to our desk.

Brownadder: Not toffees, toffs. General Cameron's staff officers are all old Etonians.

Ballsrick: Estonians? Shouldn't they be in the Russian Army?

Brownadder: No, Ballsrick, they all went to Eton: typical Tory toffs to a man.

Ballsrick: So these Estonian immigrants have eaten all the toffees and left nothing to go to the humble privates?

Brownadder: Ballsrick, I'd suggest you go and clean out the trench before you find my foot going to your humble privates. I'm off to HQ.

Staff HQ

Blair: Alistair, darling, is Brownadder here yet?

Darling: Captain Brownadder has just arrived now, sir.

Blair: Ah, Brownadder! General Cameron's aide-de-camp, Osborne, is saying that, compared to US forces, our privates are missing vital equipment.

Brownadder: But this is nonsense, sir, the honest British Tommy in the trenches is as well-endowed as any American soldier.

Blair: I'm glad to hear it, Brownadder. It's vital that we're fully prepared for the next big push and I don't want our boys caught with their trousers round their ankles when the US forces come up from the rear.

Brownadder: Sorry, sir, are we talking about the same thing?

Blair: People are getting tired of this war, Brownadder.

Brownadder: Well, they were told it would all be over by Christmas. The press are asking whether we really had any plan for what happens when we win.

Blair: The American President is promoting a strategy for national self-determination to spread freedom and democracy around Europe. He's confident that by 1940 Germany will be a beacon of democracy in the heart of Europe.

Darling: Sorry, to interrupt, sir, but what are we going to do about these questions from Cameron and his man, Osborne?

Blair: Alistair, darling, I'm not sure there's much we can do except brazen it out.

Brownadder: May I suggest that we leak a story to the Times about Cameron and Osborne's privileged backgrounds? You know the sort of thing: public school education and aristocratic relations. I'm sure we could dig up stories of embarrassing hi-jinks - they are Tories after all.

Blair: I see, Brownadder. We show them for the two-faced Tory fat cats that they are!

Brownadder: Indeed, sir, I think that would be the prudent strategy.

Later, In the Dug-Out

Brownadder: Right, Ballsrick, when the Press reveal the silver spoon in Cameron's mouth, they'll be a lot less interested in what he has to say.

Ballsrick: Didn't General Blair go to an elite public school?

Brownadder: Yes, Ballsrick?

Ballsrick: If you get people talking about Cameron's privileged background, won't they start thinking about Blair's privileged background?

Brownadder: They might Ballsrick. In which case it would be prudent for him to resign and allow the promotion of a more competent person.

The End

Turkey will open port to Cyprus

2006-12-07T11:08:00.000Z

In today's news, we hear of Turkey's 'open port' offer to Cyprus.

In a move to reduce the rancour in the dispute over the divided island of Cyprus and Turko-Greeko-Cypriot relations, the Turkish Government has suggested that they will open a bottle of 1997 Vintage Cockburn's Port and share a glass or two with their Greek Cypriot counterparts.

A spokesman for Finland, which, as the current holder the Presidency of the European Union, is negotiating with Turkey and Cyprus, said:
"Cockburns? Oh, that's alright now - the clinic gave me some special ointment

A spokespoultry for Turkeys Against Christmas said:

"Any port in a storm."

Neanderthal Poem

2006-12-05T14:53:00.000Z

Forty thousand years ago,
When Europe was a land of snow,
And mammoths roamed the permafrost,
Two Stone Age hominids got lost.

With ease (both being broad and stocky),
They scrambled over ice all rocky.
A blizzard worse than they could brave,
Made them shelter in a cave.

They'd failed to find a scrap to eat,
The howling snow had got them beat.
They set a fire and sat all day,
Their tummies rumbling in dismay.

'Twas then that one Neanderthal
Looked with hunger at his pal.
Slavering as he licked his lips,
He gazed upon those meaty hips.

Picking up a piece of rock,
He gave his mate a mighty knock.
He cut off slices from the bum,
And on the fire he cooked his chum.

Finishing off the meat he'd served,
He thought a moment and observed:
"No greater love has friend for me,
Who lays his life down for my tea."

(Did starving Neanderthals eat each other?)